Thoughts on where I am... which isn't too bad by the way.. but its work.

So I'm a few months into meds, and therapy, for my anxiety and stuff.  (Ok, stuff is a bad search word, so I have Anxiety with Panic Disorder.. see that google!?)

I'm doing pretty good.  I had a counseling session where I reported 2 weeks worth of "work" and my counselor was impressed.  I had really stretched my boundaries for a change.  (And not without some sweat, anxiety, and stress)

A couple things.  First off MEDS..  (ok, another bad search word.  I take Lexapro, and Xanax, ie alprazolam)   One time I was on Zoloft.  Not for long, I didnt feel it doing anything so I stopped... not to mention I didn't have a prescription for it.  But some of my close friends and family thought that it in fact was changing my disposition.  So here on the Lexapro I feel the same way. I don't feel like its doing too much.. but because of the above mentioned experience with Zoloft, AND because I have a prescription this time, I shall continue down that path.   The Xanax I like for now.  I certainly don't want to get addicted but as my nurse said, that is the least of your problems considering your lack of a life due to obsessive anxiety. 
I also trust that I can handle the moment it is time to say goodbye to them.  See, I had a bad week or so, and I was so upset after a fine month that I kind of got weak and asked if I could take MORE Xanax as necessary.  Of course this was approved, but then I got ahold of myself and started having progress and I've actually taken less Xanax than Im already prescribed.   So I'll be good on the meds I think.



As for the cognitive therapy, its going well.  I like my therapist.  I don't know whats coming in the future but right now she just acts as my sounding board, and gives me little hints to help my struggles, and hints at where my exposure will be heading once I have a better grip on my fear and fear response. 
One strange thing, she gave me a book to read, if Amazon has it I will link it, but the anxiety part of it talks a lot about NON  medication assisted therapy, yet I'm on the medication.  Kind of confusing but very interesting none the less so I can see why she wanted me to have the information. 

Also a book I picked up by coincidence was a great help.  It is by Victor Frankl, I will link it, and I highly suggest it to anyone, anxiety or not. 

So, sorry for the mind-dump.  I've been really busy with some work, both for money, and on myself.  This is what occupies my mind at the moment.   Whats on your mind?

You know whats weird?

Awareness.

I went to a poker game last night.. and that's quite a bit for me really.  I don't know if you've ever sat at a poker table in a poker room surrounding.  Its kind of crowded, little stuffy, loud, tons of action and lots of things to focus on.  But I still like playing poker, and I went with one of my "safe" friends (you anxiety folks know what I mean) so I thought I'd give it a try. 

I've been surprising myself a little lately, even after the horrible week I had the previous week, I'd call this week a definite plus.. maybe a 7 out of 10.  Ten not being normal by any means.. 10 being what I'd call a good week of working on myself.  (Ok, maybe an 8 to 8.5.  I did work several days, and actually went and had dinner with an internet friend of mine.  That alone is worth a point and a half)

But back to awareness.  Sometimes when I'm really into something, like poker, or internet friends, I can completely forget all that back ground buzz of anxiety and panic in my head.   Also, I felt like I wanted to be fully alert so I didnt fall back on the Xanax for an added cushion.. though  did up-dose for the internet "meeting".
Well, I didnt do all that well at poker.  I was all over the board with my thoughts and obsessions.  I didn't concentrate on the flow of the game.. I couldnt keep my eyes looking down, I certainly couldnt keep my mouth shut (nervous chatter has always been one of my anxiety barometers),  and really stayed in a very keyed up state of being, both physically and mentally. Barometrically speaking I don't know if I am HIGH pressure during that time, because thats usually clear skies, or LOW pressure because thats stormy and out of control.. but I was on an edge one way or the other.

What was weird though was that I could see it going on, like I was witnessing myself.  Weirder that I couldn't stop it.. like a huge ball rolling down hill, even though I clearly and obviously saw the entire process controlling me.  In a way, the fact that I was observing was keeping me from blowing a fuse, though I clearly was not comfortable, in a way I was participating in my event, instead of just riding through it.

That just has me weirded out.. not so much in a bad way.   Is this a start of how you get better?   In a way I wasn't scared, though I certainly was miles from comfortable.  I'm trying not to beat myself up over the "loss" of not being able to concentrate (I  made a few bad plays, and in poker thats all it takes), the loss of not being able to control something I saw happening, and just be happy that I did it, I did it short of meds, and I guess happy for the strange observers point from where I watched the entire evening.

Well, thats whats weird to me... today.

BTW.. I don't know if it was a cumulative stress release, or the lack of the Xanax dose in the evening, but I could not sleep for 80% of the night due to over active mind and happy legs, my legs felt like they had TnT in them and I couldnt hold still to save my ass.  Again, is that good or bad?   I built all that up, yet functioned, even if poorly... and then released it through nervous thought and energy right away...  as I feel pretty base line this morning.  Weird I tell ya... interesting weird.

Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip its been...

Truckin. The Grateful Dead.  Thanks for the title.

But you ever just have weird moments.

Yesterday I'm talking about staying home and wondering if its the right thing to do.. was I staying home because it was my birthday, or because like any good neurosis owner I am great at justifying actions that support my anxieties with what I believe are legitimate non avoidance reasons.

But damn, today its raining and I really don't have any work to do.. and I can't believe as a semi sorta sometimes agoraphobic that I'm going freaking NUTZ sitting at home.  I am going to HAVE TO get out of this house this afternoon, even though I'm going to play poker later. (Another anxiety producing situation.. crammed in a basement with 18-24 other guys I don't know, though thankfully I love poker and often battle through..  and yes, I realize this is another AHA moment in and of itself)

Can you believe that?   

What a long strange trip indeed...

Birthday Blog Post.

Happy Birthday to me.... etc.

But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?

I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!

And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.

Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,

Yea, I saw what you wrote... it was just you being you.  I knew what you meant and suggest that you quit worrying about you just being yourself. Thats a form of anxiety. You are fine who you are, you are fine when you're "juiced up" (our anxiety and panicky term) and you're fine when you're not!

 And I'm like.. DAMN. (not only is she awesome, but she's exactly right)

On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.

But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,

... if you just be yourself at all times, then people that don't get you, will probably never get you, and then you'll just know.

Awesome.

And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.

So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....

(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)

Better times.. rebounding from Anxiety recovery setbacks

Well, I'm happy to report that I seem to have recovered to at least what I'd call a base line.. or simply that although I'm certainly far from recovery, I'm back in control, feeling decent, and eager to get back to work on recovery.

The shift that I'm happy to have made over the past week is that I'm doing more things that cause me anxiety and panic type reactions. Now, does this mean that I'm cured.. HALLELUJAH.. nah, not even close. Actually I am mostly dealing with anxiety thoughts, hurrying through things, not concentrating on the moment as much as concentrating getting finished, but the difference is that I'm taking the action and all healing has to start there.

An example is in the simple (to most people) trip to the car wash. I got my butt, and my dirty ride, down there finally and got to scrubbing. But half way through I realized I was drenched with sweat and my throat was parched. I had to slow down a second and evaluate what was going on. What I discovered was that I was going through this task like it was an Olympic sport... fast and furious. Then of course the realization of breathing hard, sweating, parched throat just added to the anxiety but I kept on going.
Now, it's easy to think of this as a failure because the entire nature of the beast is not feeling like this. These are the feelings that the whole disease is centered around and what your avoidance is created to avoid.
But that's not the deal. Life isn't always going to be easy.. and surely I don't mean that getting excited at the carwash is normal, but my point is that sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Which is often what an anxious person will not do. Which has been me.. for a LONG time.

So I'm trying to look at it as a progress. I did what I wouldnt normally do. So thats a WIN.

I had a few wins this week, and each one was WORK, let me tell you. But the work was done, and hopefully those muscles get back in shape, and I can learn to get back in the moment, and out of the 'what ifs'.

The thing I think I need to work on in my mind is that it took 10 years to get here, getting home isn't going to be a quick trip. (though hopefully less than 10 yrs. But if it does.. if I can embrace the trip then so be it)

I guess I can accept that... eventually. :)

Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Setbacks

So, I really had a few crappy weeks. Anxiety pushing through my meds, even some near panic situations.. arguably a few notches less than before, but uncomfortable and disablingly frustrating for sure.

Had some counseling yesterday and was givin this poem by Portia Nelson.

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

END

I like it. I like how fault changes. I like how time in the hole changes. I like the awareness that comes alive.

I think I'm somewhere in stanza II. I pretend I don't see the hole, I fall in, and it still takes time to get out. It pisses me off, but I need to chill because its not my fault. I also see stanza III coming. I want to accept fault, I want to fight the habit, and I want to learn to get out immediately.

I can't wait to walk down another street....

Self Defeating Goals

It has been suggested to me, and I have read time and again on internet anxiety self help sights, that having self defeating goals can be counter productive. This is one of my main issues.

Thoughts:
"I've got to find a way to get rid of these feelings".

Feelings:
Anxiety about feeling anxious.

Actions:
Avoiding situations perceived as anxiety producers or staying in "safe" situations.

This is information I found on the internet that helped a little, though I am exhausted lately. I had a "honeymoon" of sorts getting into therapy finally.. and I wonder now if I'm in the post honeymoon state and feeling tired, defeated, hopeless, etc.

Anyways, I came across this list of self defeating goals and sadly I think I'm guilty of all in some way or another, some I'm WHOLLY guilty.

◦Trying to be perfect right now. Perfection is not possible during the few short years we live on this earth.
◦Trying to control anxiety. Anxiety is viewed as the enemy rather than as a healthy warning signal that something in your life can be improved.
◦Trying to avoid situations believed to be responsible for undesirable emotions such as shopping centers, freeways, bridges, or elevators. This shifts responsibility for solutions away from yourself to the environment, which cannot always be controlled.
◦Trying to control people or situations you cannot really control. By doing this you are mentally hitting your head against the wall.
◦Trying to find relief through another person's presence. This shifts responsibility for solutions away from yourself to others. Promotes unhealthy dependency.

It's overwhelming... when I started this I thought I needed a little help to get over a few things. It's eye-opening to realize how many wrong thought patterns I have and how shallow my actual life has become.

Anyways, had a shitty long weekend. Hoping for a NON shitty week. Started a good book yesterday. Check it out.



Salud

Doing the work, Attacking and beating anxiety and panic attack disorder

It's as simple as that. You need to do the work.

I remember my first appointment. If you have this disease, and/or a little agoraphobia, you can imagine how hard it was to go through it. Of course I had to have someone take me, and even that only made it possible, not any more comfortable.

But I had a short ecstatic feeling afterwards. An "I did it" moment. And it actually feels good to get these problems out in the open to people who want to help you. But I'll be honest... the moment was brief... the first time. But each time it gets easier and easier, and the success feelings last longer and longer. I actually went to my last appointment ALONE.. and afterwards stopped by the drugstore for some supplies.. And I felt pretty good about it.

But other than that, I'm not doing the work. And the reverse is happening to me. I"m actually frustrated, anxious, and depressed because I'm not doing the work. And its just that first bump in the road.... like the first Dr. appt that I felt I could hardly get through. But just like finally going on my own, this is exactly what work I need to get done. Get through these things that cause fear. One 'appointment' at a time until each place is comfortable.

If you're agoraphobic then hopefully you have safe people like me that are willing to help. If not, then just do a little bit. Don't set yourself up to fail.. but just go out and feel some pressure. Like a work out. Feel the burn. Examine it, feel it, but don't push it. And that's your work for the day. And do it again tomorrow!

Do the work... even if you have to put everything else out of your mind. I'm having trouble with that one too. I have so much to do, need to make money, need have things done to my car, etc etc etc.. But I need to get better or none of those things will matter.

That seems kind of like a dire thing to say, but I'm starting to think that's the way you need to look at it. I hung on to the last rung of the ladder, just above dire, for so many years.. and it kept me from getting help. Not until I felt like I had no other choice did I do what I had to do. Make it dire that you do a little work today.. and every day. Its not easy, but the funny thing is, it does get easier. And if you've been stuck for a long time like me.. it gets easier in SMALL increments. But don't let it get you down. After awhile it actually gets hard to NOT do something every day.

This is where I feel myself.. the frustration has changed to where if I don't do some work, I'll be down on myself..so today I'm going to do a little work.

What I think about the "hanging on of my mind" to anxiety and panic attacks

Yesterday I wrote of the feelings I'm having as anxiety medications work their magic on me, yet my mind and habits still put up the good fight to remain in their old ways. In fact, I find that as I get a little used to the meds, the brain is adapting and can in fact cause a little anxiety.. luckily not so much as to create a panic attack.. thank you Xanax.. but definitely anxious thoughts and hesitation to do things that cause me these feelings, now and in the past.

One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.

But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.

Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.

Have a great day.

Dave

Hanging on to Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Ok, so I'm a month into anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.

A little longer on the cognitive therapy.

And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.

That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.

And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.

I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.

As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.

I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.

But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.

Is anybody out there? :)

Setbacks while recovering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks

And I guess setbacks at any time in life. Do you ever notice that after a really good experience that a setback seems to be more devastating?

I guess that is just the nature of things, maybe even just philosophy.. you know, Yin and Yang. They say you can't experience the highest of highs without knowing the lowest of lows. I get that, I really do. Perspective, appreciation, gratitude. How else could you have these things except by experience. (I know, you blind faithers will say you can just believe, and thats OK if that works for you.. but I like to learn, then believe by experience)

But I digress. I have made some decent strides in my Anxiety and Panic Attack therapy, which does involve medication and cognitive therapy. After one of my best days, I had one of my very worst days since beginning. And I let it get to me.. habits are hard to break. And I did bounce back pretty quickly but that's not my point, though was a nice experience.

My point is this... Understanding, or acceptance if they aren't the same in this instance. Why do I expect only to have good days? Why do I not believe in the yin/yang philosophy? Why do I not just believe in common sense, that being that every day is not going to be great? Instead I expect to not have to deal with anxiety feelings.

Maybe I don't have enough acceptance of things. I am learning to accept how I feel when I'm having anxiety, or even panic. And trust me, it is no easy feat. But knowing that every day doesn't have to be perfect helps me to bounce back quicker. (Ok, and so does the Xanax... lets be honest!haha)

So anyways.. finally a weather break where I live. It is easier to have a positive outlook when its sunny and 80, especially after 2 weeks of overcast and rain. Wouldn't you know that now my plumbing is backing up and needs to be dealt with immediately. Yin and a stanky yang....

So my real point.. I guess stanky yangs are just part of life.... ;)

Anxiety Medications and Anti Depressants

Ok..so I posted my "sorry I was gone post", and I feel pretty decent today... for a guy who can't walk, and I want to get back to business.

I've been on Lexapro for about 3 full weeks now. And during this time I've been taking .5 of Xanax, 3 times a day.

First off.. I do not feel drugged, though I am sleeping a little more than I used to. I make no excuses.. being anxious will flat wear you out.
I don't even feel the slightest bit unclear in my ability to think or operate.

What I have been feeling is an inability to get stressed out, freaked out, or just downright get down on myself. In fact, talking to a friend about "Woe is me".. I finally decide to get medical help for my Anxiety and Panic Disorder, now I get this Skin infection.. wah wah wah.. and what I finally said was "And what sucks is I can't get really depressed because of the damn meds" Hahaha.

Talk about taking one smack between the eyes. And that's how it's been.
Also being an agoraphobic person in varying degrees, I'm finding that it's more difficult to "honor" my minds desire to ramp me up about things. I feel it, I'm aware of it's thinking patterns, and that part of me WANTS to go through the actions it's so accustomed to taking. Problem is, I can't physically produce the symptoms. I did almost take about 10 breaths that were those anxious types. I was home alone, dealing with all this pain of the staph infection, it was late, and I just needed to have a panic attack. I was doing the normal thinking patterns. All the outward necessities were met.. and somehow being the strong person I think I am, I worked up about 10 anxious breaths. You know.. too long.. too close together... too deep.. too forced. And that was it.

I rolled over, watched TV until I fell asleep, and woke up nice and refreshed at 5:30 to find my room mate in bed. I didn't count down the minutes until he returned, I didn't even notice his return.

I'm really pissed at this damn staph infection when I finally decide to deal with my major mental issues. But I'm very happy about how the medication is working, and how I'm aware of my minds efforts to contribute to my old ways. I honestly think I'm going to be able to get this!


So there's my 3 week report. A lot better than I ever thought 3 weeks could be... remember in week 1, I really thought I was wasting my time.

Stick with it. Just Do It!

Btw, found this interesting fellow posting on youtube.com about anxiety, and I like what he says and how he says it. If you want a link, drop me a line or a comment and I'll get back to you.

Carbuncle, Boils, and Staph. OUCH

Sorry for the disappearance, but the title says it all. I acquired a skin infection that got a little out of control and in fact had me quite worried before I finally turned a corner and it seems I'm on the way out.

Let me give you a piece of advice... don't touch them, don't try to pop them, don't squeeze them. PERIOD. After I learned this..... the hard way... I quickly turned the corner.

But boy, let me tell you.. the infection started on my butt cheek, about top of crack high, and about an inch outta the "valley"... and when it got inflamed.."Angry" you might say.. WOW did I have a few dark nights of the soul. I can tell you right now that if I hadn't started these anti anxiety and depression meds that I would have flat out FLIPPED. 5150. Panic Attack supreme. And I still almost did.

If you ever get them, and like me you are averse to DRs... look em up online. I did that, and I also called a local service called "Ask a Nurse".

Don't Touch.
Keep clean, washing many times daily with anti bacterial soap.
Don't Touch.
Keep covered, they are HIGHLY contagious.
Wash hands after dealing with it.
Don't TOUCH, Squeeze, push, pinch, spread, itch. No matter what.
Change clothes in the infected area daily, same with bed clothes.
Wash often in HOT, boiling if possible, water.
Don't share towels, razors, wash clothes, or any other hygiene items with anyone else.

And there are plenty more.

I'm finally feeling better. Besides the quarter sized DENT in my ass.. the last thing I'm dealing with is a TEENY TINY little one I thought I could man-handle and pop on my knee. DON'T do it. I woke up the next day barely able to walk. Thankfully, it too is healing.

I will tell you, I'm a very clean person. But my new room mate is not, and in the state of my depression I had gotten very lax.... ie, not showering every single day.. layin around in the same sweat pants for a few days.. not changing the sheets often enough. Well, lesson learned. We're back to healthy hygiene around here!

Hope to get back on schedule.

And hey, if you have a friend who might like my stories, please send them by. Would like to get a few readers so we can start some discussions, maybe some guest posting, or whatever can come of it. Thanks!

Increase your Anxiety and Panic knowledge

because knowledge is power.

And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.

That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.

Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.

If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.

Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!






Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment

Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia


Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!

Best to you.

PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.

Physical anxiety symptoms vs Mental Anxiety Symptoms

So as you've read, I am on some meds finally and though I consider myself in the adjustment period, one of the drugs, XANAX, is pretty quick acting.
I am also taking Lexapro and am on my 6th day of 10mg. I am taking .5mg Xanax 3x a day over the adjustment period.

First off, I just want to say that I was very VERY surprised to be prescribed the alprazolam (xanax).. but as I am following my Drs orders I do NOT feel overly medicated and I do feel WAY less anxious and have not really spiked a panic attack. I would say that this is because I'm still staying within my safety zones, being a good little agoraphobic, but today I did actually go to the bank, and to the service station to get air in my tire. This act caused me great distress last week.

Today was kind of strange. Waiting in line at the bank, my mind knew I needed to be wound up about this. Also pulling in to the service station to get air reminded me of how this made me feel just last week. Here is the thing... without my body fulfilling the anxious desires of my mind I was unable to be afraid of these things as I have been in the past. Was I unsure.. Oh yes, of course I was. This has only been one week and I've suffered with Panic and Anxiety for over 13 years.
I was affected profoundly by the fact that even though my mind wanted to be anxious I was unable to blow it out of proportion without the accompanying physical sensations.

I have read this over and over again in every book and course I've read on these diseases. Don't be fooled by the physical sensations. They are tricking you and cannot hurt you. Man, if I could have just done that, but I fell for it every single time.

So that's where I am today. I plan to continue to travel old paths that used to cause me such distress. Hopefully my mind can break the habits that it's been practicing all this time.

Again I want to say to you if you're reading this blog and felt the things I've felt. You're NOT handling it. There is help available, even if you don't have money or insurance. Start asking. Its the first step that took me 13 yrs.

Day 3 of Meds (Lexapro and Xanax), Going pretty well

I know some of the big things that I worried about were side effects.

I'm really not feeling too many side effects, as listed in the drug pamphlets I was given, maybe a slight headache that has been associated with Lexapro, but its so small its hardly worth mentioning.

Also, I don't really feel out of it due to the Xanax.

As a whole, I do feel affected, kind of more relaxed, no real spikes or Panic attacks to speak of.. BUT I also am not pushing my boundaries nor working on my cognitive therapy tasks either. I'm sure we're going to get this medicine working against my tendency to have anxiety soon enough.

As far as depression, I really don't feel half bad in that regard... and I think it has to do with hope. I actually have some hope that this is going to get better. The ole placebo effect, because the Lexapro, as an SSRI, needs to build in your system for awhile before you begin to feel a difference.

But anyways, a report from day 3.. I am getting good rest, and spikes are down and almost non existent (again, not pushing any limits either) I even remained calm for the CENSUS lady.. and that is very irritating to me. Having our government need my name, birthday, address and everything else is way too invasive. Look, constitution says you get to COUNT. Here's the count here. ONE! BYE. But I digress.

Very hopeful that after I get these meds into my system, get my chemical balances a little more stable, that I can begin to get out and rebuild my life.

I am a complete advocate for getting off your ass and getting help! And I refused for 13 or more years, so believe me when I say, I was wrong. Don't let yourself get this far. There is no reason to live with these terrible feelings. Just asking and getting started is an enormous load off your shoulders and alone will make you feel lighter and hopeful.

Ciao for now.

Anxiety Medication, Lexapro and Xanax

That's where I'm at. Woohoo. At yesterdays counseling session my therapist decided to check with a "crisis nurse" about speeding my my possibility of seeing a medical practicioner in order that I could get on medications.
This by itself just lets me know how serious my condition is, and is really quite a shock compared to how I've been rationalizing it to myself all these years.

Well, I got an appointment TODAY! Can you believe the luck. I was evaluated by a nurse who is able to prescribe, and as of now I am beginning Lexapro, which is in the class SSRI medications for Anxiety and depression, and have been placed on Xanax 3 times a day to get this darn stuff under control NOW so that these meds and counseling can begin to take effect.

It is a strange feeling of relief, and despair both, to hear from professionals that I am in fact very normal and intelligent, but that I have a disorder that I cannot nor would I ever have been able to fight on my own. I would normally take that personally, but honestly, I think I already knew that.

I know that the drugs used in these therapies are both praised and scorned. And I spent 10 years telling myself I didn't want to be "on drugs". And I welcome any comments from your experiences with these drugs, Lexapro and Xanax, but for me personally I have reached a point in my fight that ANYTHING is better than what I have dealt with for all these years. I am both relieved, and afraid of what is to come, but I am committed to change. PERIOD.

I find myself excited that it might be possible that I can feel a different way EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also strangely feel sad that I will be letting go of how I've felt for over 10 years. I know it's wrong to live such a difficult day to day existence, but it's what I know and what I've learned to handle, though the result is extremely limiting.

And I also wonder what I may be able to accomplish, even starting at 45 years of age. I'm not going to worry about the past 13 years and what might have been. I can accept that they are gone, and everything was not bad about them. But I had no chance of excelling or finding my potential and I find the thought exciting.

So, Lexapro #1 is down the hatch, and Xanax regularly, at least for now, down the hatch. This will be the first time I took Xanax twice in one day.

I feel really calm now. A lot of it is from the caring help and definitions and diagnosis I receive from my therapy team. Also, of course, I"m in my safe zone, with my safe people around, and I'm usually calm here anyways. But I like to think there's a little extra going on. And since it's too early to be feeling these meds, maybe its HOPE!

I know I want to cry.. and I'm not too sad.. so I think I am happy to feel hope.

If you're interested, I hope to keep up this effort, good or bad, so you can come along with me.

Today.. Happy.. A lil. Hopeful.. a lil.. Optimistic.. yes. No side effects .. yet! haha. YEAH

I'm going to order more information today

Today I've decided to buy more information.

In relation to what I am paying for professional help the internet is a GOLD MINE.

Today, I was searching the clickbank marketplace and there appears to be a new leading program for Anxiety and Panic Attacks called The Panic Puzzle.

If you're not familiar with clickbank it is an online affiliate program. Vendors list their products for sale, and affiliates promote and sell the product for them for a commission. I have not sold one single product from the site, though I have signed up for it a couple years ago. Due to being a member there I can browse their "clickbank marketplace" and go over their data. This program has decent numbers and I"m in the mood for information today.

Like I said, I have never sold one product as an affiliate marketer for Clickbank... but if you're in the same mood I'm in, here is a link to the product. I am buying it right now, and I hope to review it later.

Remember, buying from a major marketer like clickbank should alleviate some of your concerns about buying online. Every program I've ever seen on clickbank has had a money back guarantee, and this one is no exception. You can rest assured that if the information is lacking, repetitive, or useless.. and I believe I'm an expert.. I will be taking advantage of the no questions asked refund.

The Panic Puzzle. Here is the link. Click Here!
(You are not buying by clicking. You are only going to the landing page. Check it out, see what you think. Even if you don't buy it, let me know what you think of what it offers.)

If you buy it please let me know. I'm happy to have my first guest post, maybe you can review it!! That would be awesome.

PS. Yes, it is kind of expensive. More than a book, but a LOT less than my adventures in therapy and medical appointments. It also has a money back guarantee. And honestly, if it does make me better then its worth every penny and more, and if it doesn't do as it claims then I deserve my money back as stated. Except for losing access to my money for a few weeks, I'd say thats NO RISK.

Help with Anxiety and Panic

Ok, I'm just going to say it.

I need a freakin kick in the ass.

I've been dealing with this crap for over 10 years, and as you know I've just started to seek professional assistance.

Here's the deal. My problem isn't knowing how or what to do to get over my anxiety disorder. Heaven knows I've read as much info as I can get my hands on over the years. At the rate my therapy is going I will need 20 more years of 1 hour every other week to get any further than I already am.

The wild card is the medical and drug therapy, and I am so anxious (pun intended) to try this method after 10 years of procrastination that I can't sit still. My tentative appointment is September 28th, and this is about as early as I can get in anywhere. Very frustrating.

But back to the deal. I know I need to get my ass OUT and challenge this stuff. I know I need to expand my limitations slowly, de-sensitize myself, change my self talk.. etc etc etc.
But I don't do it.
Is the anxious pain and fear worse than how I feel knowing I failed by not taking control of my own recovery from anxiety and panic attacks? I'm starting to think not. I'm getting really pissed off about it, and I"m kind of happy about it. Maybe this will get me motivated because I need to get off my ass.

I'm tired of not living.

This is bullshit.

Not taking our own advice on recovering from anxiety and panic

I'm kind of frustrated lately. And frustration is definitely an anxiety, or at least leads to it for me.

I made a decision to get help with this a few weeks ago, if you aren't starting at the beginning.. My First post ABOUT ME.. I'd love to have you come along for the ride.
Now I find myself feeling like I'm not getting anywhere and anxious to get better faster. Anxious to get over anxiety. If that's not a telling statement I don't know what is! HAHA

When I'm staying inside my comfort zone I feel almost normal. The trouble is the comfort zone itself. Not only is it small, some days smaller than others, but it constantly changes as well.

Yesterday I needed to go to the DMV to get a title. Stressful for many I'm sure, but just wore me out. I would not have been able to handle it without some assistance from my brother.
This morning I needed to run up to Quik Trip to get some air in my tire, just a block and a half that I could walk in 3 minutes, and just the sheery busy-ness of the place kind of got on my nerves. (And did I just give it a few minutes to simmer down.. of course not)

It's really a bummer to be reliant on someone else just to do simple tasks.

I hope I can get in to see a medical Dr. soon. I would really like to get this talk therapy going, get some meds going, and dive head first into this crap. Obviously knowing what you need is sometimes not enough. Heaven knows I've read, surfed, and watched so much information yet I allow long held habits to take over. I honestly know what it must be like to be addicted and trying to quit.

Just how I feel today, sorry for the lack of information. One of my favorite latest books on Anxiety.. written by a doctor and I think copyright in the last year or two is linked! Really packed full of information, and available at AMAZON! Woohoo.. delivered to my agoraphobic door.. sigh......


And another light read with great information..


Has anyone ever tried the online programs? Panic Away is one, The Linden Method is the another of the more popular programs. If you have, I'd love to hear from you. If I could find a program that worked, or a cure, I'd spend every last dime I had on it! You know you would!

Free Friday. Help for Anxiety and Panic Disorder

Hey, its Friday! Probably the most anticipated day of anyone's week.

This week I was bringing an old desktop back from the dead and found some Claire Weekes audio that I had a few years ago.

Dr. Claire Weekes has one of the best books on Anxiety ever. It is an older book, and very quick and easy to read, but some say and I agree that the basics of this book are all you need to start beating this crappy disease.



That is the book, I know the good thing about Amazon.com for me was prices, and the product will be delivered right to your door. A lifesaver if you're having trouble motivating yourself to get out.

I highly recommend this book. I've sat in a hot bath, turned into a raisin, reading this book over and over.

And like I said, for FREE FRIDAY, I have some audio clips I'm willing to share, if you want them, email me at the address above!

Remember, whatever causes you Panic and Anxiety today, try to make it 2 to 3 more minutes.. and if you're still ok, make it wait a couple more! You can do this!

The Anxiety Conundrum

Funny how with all the information available to us, we still have the hardest time healing ourselves. I was reading a friends dieting blog and it really stuck out that Anxiety is very similar.

People who are overweight very often are the first to know that they are eating too much. They know they're eating too much, and more than a few try to justify their eating, or blame their overweight condition on other factors.

Anxiety is the same way. I know what I'm feeling is irrational. I know there is no basis for how I feel except for psychological patterns I've established while in fear.

Right now it is raining with thunder and my greyhound is absolutely flipping out. Shaking so hard you think he's going to break, panting, drooling.. basically a panic attack. I know the thunder and rain is not going to hurt him. The rain and thunder has never hurt him. But at some time he has built an association of great fear to these factors, and it never lets him down. :(

So what happened to cause that situation in myself?

I am not sure what initiated the first instance for me, and that is probably a topic for textbooks and courses of study, but I think it boils down to heridity, personality type, and stressful circumstances just to name a few.

But I'm talking about perpetuation a situation that we know is false and harmful to our enjoyment of life. Here's how I know I built my own walls. Initially I was under great duress and panicked. Well, it's called the fight or flight response, and my personality is to flight. (Not an easy thing for a man to admit, and probably why the instance of Anxiety and Panic are not as high in men as in women... women are smarter!)
Well as you know, panic attacks are limited. If you don't fully understand this you need to know. Once you know that they cannot hurt you, and will not last forever (15 minutes usually) you've gained very important knowledge that will help you understand and defeat what is happening.
I have wandered, but here is what I believe happens to strengthen and TRICK you into this disease. You FLEE the situation, and of course your symptoms relax... both by leaving the dangerous situation(real OR imagined), plus your spike of bodily chemicals begins to burn off immediately (the 15 minute rule), and you feel better, RELIEF.

Your body physiology, and mental psychology will associate RELIEF with FLIGHT. Do this exercise a few thousand times and you've built yourself one serious problem.
Obviously I think the way out is the reverse of the way in. I'm going to have to stick myself right back in these situations and react to them differently, even if I have to fake it initially. And trust me, I do not think its going to be easy or fun.

The thing is, I could help myself immensely if I would think just that, FUN.. even if I have to convince myself the opposite of what I'm now naturally inclined to think... if you can call a false belief and reactionary system natural.

So, if like me, you've created a world, possibly an agoraphobic world, where you feel "ok" and are getting by.. you need to know that you're being TRICKED. If you are avoiding, fleeing, rationalizing, making deals.. etc (you know who you are) and not living the life you want to live, then no matter how you feel at the moment you are STILL under the effects of Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This has been the biggest realization for me in the beginning phases of treatment. Remember, I just thought I was high strung, and everything I avoided made me feel better. If you called me out on my avoidance, I had TONS of rationalizations! (excuses)

So when you're feeling that "tingle".. I know it sucks.. I know it is scary.. and even if you think you can't make it... try making it for another 2 or 3 minutes. I'm telling you that chemically you're already starting to feel better if you'd just pause a minute. Panic is a RIGHT NOW thing, because when it's legitimate, you need to act RIGHT NOW. But in situations you KNOW are not dangerous, you can afford to just sit and feel the excitement. Think of a roller coaster. The feeling of excitement and fear are almost identical! You'll find that the longer you continue the easier it will be. So just let it happen for a few minutes. Just one or two.. then since you're there, and feeling better, try one or two more.

I know its not that easy. I've known a lot of this for many years. The tricks my body plays on me are just the things I think I'm scared of the most. (passing out, mostly.. early on it was heart attacks) And try as I might, terrified is just something that's hard to give 2 or 3 minutes time to go away. But I know I'm going to have to... There are coping skills. I know some, and I hope to learn more, and I'll blog about them as I go.

Hopefully I"m helping or entertaining you.. someone.. helloo? Is this thing on?

Still optimistic... Very Optimistic today. Still no medical appointment, so no meds in the immediate future... and still optimistic. Will be challenging myself later today.. looking forward to it!!! (said almost with a straight face. )

Hang in there.

Focusing on Panic Attacks and Anxiety

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to seek professional assistance is because of the ability I have of seeing my problem so clearly.

Now I know I can't see a chemical imbalance, but I see my part in creating it. (If there is in fact one present)

A perfect example is my last 4 days. I had a situation that created swelling around my tailbone and put an enormous amount of pressure around and on my sciatic nerve. I must say that it was one of the most painful 48 hours I have ever had. I passed a stone once, did it at home in my bathroom in the wee hours of the night, and it was awful but only lasted 3 hours. I think maybe this pain was slightly less sharp but the endurance and power it had over me was incredible.

Firstly.. I handled it. I have no idea what my anxiety could ever convince me to be afraid of when I handled the worst pain I can even imagine.

But more interestingly, I had a very low incidence of anxiety and panic during this 48 hours... and I believe it is wholly related to my focus during this time. I just didn't have the time to work up a good panic attack or stir up a good anxiety stew.

I've always been able to kind of seperate myself, get that view of myself, and I sit and watch myself conjure anxiety and panic from situations that I've decided are going to cause me problems. The catch.. I can't stop it. It's like I accept a rule that I wrote, even though I know its wrong and I'm the author and can change it.

Just my thought this weekend.. other than OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH.

Wondered what anyone else thinks of Focus and the part it may or may not play in this wonderful disease.

Online help for Anxiety and Panic Disorder - FREE FRIDAYS

This will be my very first FREE FRIDAY!!!

I know a lot of my blog is about my finally asking for help and entering counseling and medical intervention. Also remember that I have dealt with this disorder for approximately 15 years and have for a majority of the time been "high functioning". That is my term, and by high functioning I mean that I do get out of my house, I do work occasionally, and I have pursued a small amount of happiness on occasion. I was even in a 10 year relationship with a VERY understanding woman. But I do have the symptoms of anxiety and panic at all times, which is frustrating and depressing and makes everything so difficult, not to mention exhausting.

So even though I've finally decided to take a home run swing at this crap, my circumstances may have been, and may still be, very similar to yours. I didn't have, and still do not have medical insurance. I also had, and still have, some reservations about taking the medications associated with these disorders. So I got by on INFORMATION. I read everything I could get my hands on, I watched every informational video I could find online, and I even purchased a few "programs" available online. Ultimately I believe this is a thinking disorder, or more correctly an improper thinking disorder, so anything you can do about your state of mind, and your depth of knowledge will most certainly help you in your condition.

So today I am going to mention something called "The Anxiety Bible".
It is available online at a free site and I'm sure you can find it. I am not sure about linking/back linking and other web tactics at this time and I prefer to play it safe. If you can't find it drop me an email and I'll give you the URL.

The first step of the "Bible". COUNSELING
I have just started this path myself. It can be very expensive but it won't last forever. Also there are programs to assist people with low incomes and no insurance. Also, who knows whats in store with the US's new health insurance laws. I will say that I felt the stigma of visiting a "Mental Health Center" but it has quickly passed. Though I'm in the very beginning, the weight off my shoulders opening up to an experience and respected counselor is noticeable and I am optimistic.

Step Two. EXERCISE
Talk about a whole other blog! Haha. I am lucky in that I am not out of shape, and by that I mean bodily shape! I am height and weight proportional. But physically I have a low amount of strength, energy, and stamina. You don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I've thought about and tried to start an exercise regimen. With anxiety disorder it is even harder because breathing hard and struggling is a precursor some a lot of sufferers panic attacks. The reasons for this are too many to post in a single post, maybe even an entire blog, but besides the obvious long term health benefits you will be BURNING OFF excess energy, the fuel of anxiety.

Step Three. DIET
Talk about an entirely blog worth subject. Again I will sidestep the obvious benefits because I'm sure you know but there are a few key diet tips for anxiety sufferers. First and most important... NO CAFFEINE EVER. I have practiced this tip for about 16 months and without doubt lowered my anxiety levels and increased my health. If I forget how much difference it makes (I was addicted to Pepsi Cola) I soon remember when I accidentally ingest something high in caffeine. ZOOOOM, right into an anxious buzz. Also obviously try to reduced processed foods and foods with the increasingly evil HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. Again, I'm not a dietician but I'm sure it can only help.

Step Four, final step for today. MEDICATION
Like I said above, I had and still have reservations about the medications prescribed for these disorders. But along with reaching step one, I've reached this step. I know that I said I believe my anxiety is a thinking disorder, I also know the power of my mind. Right or wrong, it creates what I tell it to create. (Can you imagine developing better control and creating only spectacular things?) Well, I consider my thought patterns like a groove in a record and I've dug a very deep groove. I plan to use the medication as a tool to help me step out of this groove and see the alternatives I've been missing. And if you're wondering how this might affect you... then follow me, or join my blog, or whatever they call it. I intend to document my entire journey out of this damn rut!

The difference between a rut and a grave is only a few feet. (attributed to a lot of people so forgive my lack of credit)

Lets get out of this damn rut.

Who wants to do some P90X? I bought this program in December. I've attempted 2 or 3 workouts. This needs to change. Email or comment and kick me in the butt!

Was it Abraham Lincoln who said...

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be" ?

I'm sure he also said...

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

But you'll see that I intend to continue in spite of that warning.

My thought for today is about the feeling I've had after my first two therapy sessions where the only real therapy consists of me dumping my frustrations and problems on a 3rd party. My therapist Jane.

After my first 60 minute session, which as you can assume is mostly fact finding and evaluation, I had this relaxed, loose feeling for about 2 hours. I even went and picked up a few items at the Dollar Store by myself. I was distracted, relieved, kind of empty, and just generally in an open mood and I completed this task with relatively low anxiety.. and I mean relatively for an agoraphobic person with panic disorder.

After my second session of 30 minutes, which was mostly the same tactic of more feeling out and more evaluation, I maintained a reasonably non anxious state for the remainder of the afternoon, even in light of some things that usually cause me a little high anxiety or even panic.

I should mention that even though I have not been prescribed medication for these issues that I did obtain a small amount of Xanax and have taken .5mg of this medication to attend these sessions.

So... I'm sure the medication is affecting me, and if it can put a lid on these feelings for me then I wholly look forward to medical assitance with this disease..
But.. I think this more clearly shows that a lot of this anxiety and panic disorder issue has to do with what we choose to think about. Could it be that I just can't stop thinking in a certain way? More like an obsessive compulsive type disorder?

It sucks to be able to sit back and see what the heck you're doing, and how much control you have in making it happen, but NOT be able to control it in the other direction.

I'm thankful for my opportunity to change. Currently optimistic.

Check your denial at the door

Had my second therapy session today. One thing for sure.. Denial will be a thing of the past. I wonder if that was one of the factors that makes it soo hard to get help?

In my previous post I talked about how I under played my panic attacks as high anxiety. Another thing I have been suffering is limited life experience in as much as I really don't go out too much because its too hard. Agoraphobia. I really hesitated to say I'm agoraphobic, or even talk about it. In fact my sister, who is my safe person for going to therapy, asked if the therapist would consider me agoraphobic, and without hesitation and with a confident smile replied "Agoraphobic with a Panic Disorder". And there you have it. No denial to be had.

So if you're sitting on the fence or making excuses not to get help I think that in this day and age, suffering is unnecessary. I really haven't learned anything I didnt know already from reading numerous books about Anxiety, Depression, and Panic Disorder... but there's something about hearing it said to your face. I'm not even close to changed, or seeing the light.... but just the step taken to get help started is a little bit of a load off. I remain optimistic...

Anxiety or Panic Attacks

I had my first therapy session this past week. I'm optimistic about beating this disease and felt pretty good just unloading on someone for an hour.

One thing we talked about was Panic Attacks and Anxiety. It ends up that now I think I am having Panic Attacks when originally I thought I was having high anxiety. I'm not saying theres much difference, but I think I was assuming my normal state was...well, normal, and I was having anxiety when I got amped up.

I think now that I'm normally in a high anxiety state, and I'm having panic attacks when I'm 'amped up'.

I felt really good after therapy. My mind was relaxed and distracted, and feeling positively and optimistic. It only lasted an hour or two but was very enlightening.

I have another talk session next week, and I am expecting a call back from a medical facility regarding an evaluation session for possibly being prescribed some medications to help get this show on the road!

Well, I have some other thoughts from just the first hour of therapy and I have an interesting question I'll post about tomorrow, or early this week.

Day after my first therapy visit

Well, I finally made the call after about 30 or more days of worrying over it, and they got me in the very next day. I later found out that I was really lucky to call when I did and hit a cancellation.
Really the first session is just to find out my condition, ask all the required questions about my stability, and work on a plan for my recovery. I must say that my therapist made me feel very well. She listened, because I had a LOT to say, and she also said what needed to be said.
She did also agree that my phobia and avoidance behavior, combined with my anxiety and most likey depression at some level, definitely warranted a Dr visit and probable medication. And like I've said... I'm resigned to that, I agree, and I want to attack this anxiety full on.
Unfortunately I do not have insurance, nor employment at this time so the program provided by my local county (which I'm extremely grateful for, and which is my first time EVER using an assistance program) cannot get me in to a Dr. for about 6 months. There is an alternative and I am currently looking into that option, or after 15 yrs I don't think 5 months is going to kill me.

Additionally I'm grateful for my sister who takes time out of her busy schedule as a mother of 7 to be my "safe" person. I am not a full blown agoraphobic, but one of my major fears is any kind of medical facility. Without such support there would be NO getting me started with this recovery. May I never forget this dedication.

Mood... optimistic!

Finally, Appointment made..

Tomorrow at 12:30 I speak with someone at my county mental health organization. I was told over the phone that the waiting list to see a doctor for meds is over 6 months long. I find this very disappointing, though I will try to remain optimistic and positive. I realize this is a major contributor to my condition, having to have things go the way I've thought them through.

What does bother me though is that I feel like I've been working on myself HARD over the past 10 years. I read every book that I can get my hands on, trying to read the very latest published information. I've tried immersing myself into situations that cause me anxiety hoping I could desensitize myself. I've just had no luck.

I do hope that I can learn something from this though and start crawling my way out. As much as I've finally resigned to trying a medical regimen, mixed with cognitive therapy of course, I've long had a resistance to taking meds of this nature to control my anxiety. A couple reasons quickly, and not thoroughly, is that firstly I don't believe the true cure is in covering your symptoms but in learning the cause and eliminating them. Secondly, I've had this situation for almost 15 years. I know when/why/how etc I get these feelings, and there is no rhyme or reason relative to physical bodily symptoms, but more to exterior situations. I simply DECIDE what things are going to cause me anxiety. Of course those things happen, and of course I have anxiety. The trouble is I cannot STOP.

Anyways, 12:30. More to follow...

Anxiety and Easter weekend

Well, as you know I still haven't called to make my "appointment", though today may be the day.

It was Easter this past weekend. I went to my sisters house, her 7 kids were all home, and my mom was over, and although I still find myself in about an AMPED-8 on the 1-10 scale, my brother asked me to go with him which made it do-able. Far from acceptable as I used to be able to spend hours on end with my neices, but a small victory.

I didnt see my own son or my grandson, and to be honest they didn't ask. Much like most of my life I'm sure he's tired of excuses.

Also saw a show on TV this morning about a guy with Bi-polar and an addiction problem he gained by self medication which eventually cost him a major sports career. He is clean now for 3 years, and one of his points was that he learned his brain was 'wired wrong' and that now with his brain working properly he is able to mount a comeback, in a different sport since he was banned for life in the major league, but he is succesful in his field. I would like success too, in any field.

So today, I hope to make that call....

The difference between cured and tricked.

In reading and watching youtube presentations about Anxiety, Panic, and Depression (because lets face it, I chickened out on making my appointment YET again) I came across another young guy touting his success as beating these "tigers" and giving some good advice, while holding back enough to have a "program" for sale.

One of his freebies was NO CAFFEINE.. and I've been a believer and practicer of this for about a year.

Another was the very simple idea of "Be OK with whatever happens". I have had this idea FOREVER. Mostly out of frustration, you naturally get to your "F-IT" threshold. And I'll tell you, it works... somewhat, and temporarily.

So I had occasion to get excited yesterday and I start thinking... I don't care, whatever, screw it.. etc. And it works. It staves off a panic attack or any higher anxiety pretty decently. But I got to thinking some more, and decided that I'm FAKING. I'm forcing myself into a 'I don't care' attitude because I'm still resisting panic and anxiety, yet though I fake, it is working quite decently.

So if not caring WORKS.. real or implied.. How can you get to where you REALLY don't care? You know, like we all used to be, before the "Tiger" caught us. Because really, I was just forcing this idea because I am still afraid of panic and anxiety. I can see the other side from here. How do you get to a TRUE no fear, no worries type situation? For now I guess I will keep with "Fake it to Make it" and see if I can start a new habit.

What do you think?

To call or not to call..

Of course I haven't called to get an appointment with the local mental health office yet.

I did spend about 2 hours on the internet reading about the different anxiety medications and how they worked, what the side effects might be, and etc.

Also I keep going back to the "programs" that are available. Has anyone tried any of these?

The one is Panic Away. Tons of people are selling this on affiliate programs. It looks ok, but of course they each pan each other so you don't know.

The other is The Linden Method. Seems a little more meaty, gives a little more information before you buy, but I'm not sure I believe any program that talks about such quick relief.

I found a 3rd program last night by searching youtube. I don't know the name but one of the guys URLs is ILOVEPANIC.com I think. He is a Belgian who has recovered from Anxiety and depression. Of course he has ALL the symptoms I have, and seems like he's talking JUST TO ME. Then I think..why wouldnt he? He's trying to sell me a program.

Has anyone used any of these? I do know that by just listening to a couple hours of advice and sales pitches, I do feel a little better and like I can brain-muscle my way out of this. Or should I just get the help?

I know that I don't have any readers, but here's hoping the right person comes along at the right time.

Maybe today.... I have the number out.

So what am I doing today?

Nothing really.

I need to be calling the local county services and make an appointment for an evaluation. I don't have insurance and this seems to be the best way to go.

So why haven't I? Anxiety basically. I'm not scared, but I am scared. You know how anxiety will do you.

I want help, I've decided to get the help, and I even have someone who will take me to an appointment. I will do it, I know I can. But this is just anxiety and what it will do to you. It keeps you from doing the things you want to do, and you know you should do. It's not simple procrastination or laziness. I want more than anything to get over this.

This is when you know you need to get help.

I will call. I will call.

Maybe tomorrow... sigh.

About Me

Hi.
My name is Dave. I decided that I wanted to blog about my struggle with anxiety. I hope that maybe by sharing I can help someone by my experience or that by sharing I might help myself.

I am almost 45 years old and have had anxiety, at least chronically, for about 15 years. By chronically I mean that it has been a large enough issue to significantly affect my life. I believe that I have been anxiety friendly most of my life, and finally just succumbed.

I have dealt with my issues by myself, and with the understanding of a few family members, my entire life. I do consider myself highly functioning... meaning I at least sustain life, but doing so is not easy, not fun, and not fulfilling. That has led me to this point, I have decided and committed to seeking and getting professional assitance.

Finally, a life not full, a depression a little too deep, and knowing I am responsible for the creation and results of my life, I have decided that no matter what happens or where I end up, I'm tired of being here....

I have never blogged.

I hope to learn as I go. I hope that there is constructive advice both given and received. I hope to get organized, write as well as I can, maybe even get better along the way, and keep it interesting and even humorous. And honestly, if I can get a little "Google" money for my efforts, that'd be nice too! Let's face it... I don't work regularly, I don't have insurance, and I need help. I'll settle for the therapeutic side of opening myself to everyone, or maybe no one, and if I can get a few quarters thrown in my cup then I will be very grateful.

If you come to participate, or just to follow along, or just watch a noob with an impossible dream crash and burn, Welcome.