Day 3 of Meds (Lexapro and Xanax), Going pretty well

I know some of the big things that I worried about were side effects.

I'm really not feeling too many side effects, as listed in the drug pamphlets I was given, maybe a slight headache that has been associated with Lexapro, but its so small its hardly worth mentioning.

Also, I don't really feel out of it due to the Xanax.

As a whole, I do feel affected, kind of more relaxed, no real spikes or Panic attacks to speak of.. BUT I also am not pushing my boundaries nor working on my cognitive therapy tasks either. I'm sure we're going to get this medicine working against my tendency to have anxiety soon enough.

As far as depression, I really don't feel half bad in that regard... and I think it has to do with hope. I actually have some hope that this is going to get better. The ole placebo effect, because the Lexapro, as an SSRI, needs to build in your system for awhile before you begin to feel a difference.

But anyways, a report from day 3.. I am getting good rest, and spikes are down and almost non existent (again, not pushing any limits either) I even remained calm for the CENSUS lady.. and that is very irritating to me. Having our government need my name, birthday, address and everything else is way too invasive. Look, constitution says you get to COUNT. Here's the count here. ONE! BYE. But I digress.

Very hopeful that after I get these meds into my system, get my chemical balances a little more stable, that I can begin to get out and rebuild my life.

I am a complete advocate for getting off your ass and getting help! And I refused for 13 or more years, so believe me when I say, I was wrong. Don't let yourself get this far. There is no reason to live with these terrible feelings. Just asking and getting started is an enormous load off your shoulders and alone will make you feel lighter and hopeful.

Ciao for now.

Anxiety Medication, Lexapro and Xanax

That's where I'm at. Woohoo. At yesterdays counseling session my therapist decided to check with a "crisis nurse" about speeding my my possibility of seeing a medical practicioner in order that I could get on medications.
This by itself just lets me know how serious my condition is, and is really quite a shock compared to how I've been rationalizing it to myself all these years.

Well, I got an appointment TODAY! Can you believe the luck. I was evaluated by a nurse who is able to prescribe, and as of now I am beginning Lexapro, which is in the class SSRI medications for Anxiety and depression, and have been placed on Xanax 3 times a day to get this darn stuff under control NOW so that these meds and counseling can begin to take effect.

It is a strange feeling of relief, and despair both, to hear from professionals that I am in fact very normal and intelligent, but that I have a disorder that I cannot nor would I ever have been able to fight on my own. I would normally take that personally, but honestly, I think I already knew that.

I know that the drugs used in these therapies are both praised and scorned. And I spent 10 years telling myself I didn't want to be "on drugs". And I welcome any comments from your experiences with these drugs, Lexapro and Xanax, but for me personally I have reached a point in my fight that ANYTHING is better than what I have dealt with for all these years. I am both relieved, and afraid of what is to come, but I am committed to change. PERIOD.

I find myself excited that it might be possible that I can feel a different way EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also strangely feel sad that I will be letting go of how I've felt for over 10 years. I know it's wrong to live such a difficult day to day existence, but it's what I know and what I've learned to handle, though the result is extremely limiting.

And I also wonder what I may be able to accomplish, even starting at 45 years of age. I'm not going to worry about the past 13 years and what might have been. I can accept that they are gone, and everything was not bad about them. But I had no chance of excelling or finding my potential and I find the thought exciting.

So, Lexapro #1 is down the hatch, and Xanax regularly, at least for now, down the hatch. This will be the first time I took Xanax twice in one day.

I feel really calm now. A lot of it is from the caring help and definitions and diagnosis I receive from my therapy team. Also, of course, I"m in my safe zone, with my safe people around, and I'm usually calm here anyways. But I like to think there's a little extra going on. And since it's too early to be feeling these meds, maybe its HOPE!

I know I want to cry.. and I'm not too sad.. so I think I am happy to feel hope.

If you're interested, I hope to keep up this effort, good or bad, so you can come along with me.

Today.. Happy.. A lil. Hopeful.. a lil.. Optimistic.. yes. No side effects .. yet! haha. YEAH

I'm going to order more information today

Today I've decided to buy more information.

In relation to what I am paying for professional help the internet is a GOLD MINE.

Today, I was searching the clickbank marketplace and there appears to be a new leading program for Anxiety and Panic Attacks called The Panic Puzzle.

If you're not familiar with clickbank it is an online affiliate program. Vendors list their products for sale, and affiliates promote and sell the product for them for a commission. I have not sold one single product from the site, though I have signed up for it a couple years ago. Due to being a member there I can browse their "clickbank marketplace" and go over their data. This program has decent numbers and I"m in the mood for information today.

Like I said, I have never sold one product as an affiliate marketer for Clickbank... but if you're in the same mood I'm in, here is a link to the product. I am buying it right now, and I hope to review it later.

Remember, buying from a major marketer like clickbank should alleviate some of your concerns about buying online. Every program I've ever seen on clickbank has had a money back guarantee, and this one is no exception. You can rest assured that if the information is lacking, repetitive, or useless.. and I believe I'm an expert.. I will be taking advantage of the no questions asked refund.

The Panic Puzzle. Here is the link. Click Here!
(You are not buying by clicking. You are only going to the landing page. Check it out, see what you think. Even if you don't buy it, let me know what you think of what it offers.)

If you buy it please let me know. I'm happy to have my first guest post, maybe you can review it!! That would be awesome.

PS. Yes, it is kind of expensive. More than a book, but a LOT less than my adventures in therapy and medical appointments. It also has a money back guarantee. And honestly, if it does make me better then its worth every penny and more, and if it doesn't do as it claims then I deserve my money back as stated. Except for losing access to my money for a few weeks, I'd say thats NO RISK.

Help with Anxiety and Panic

Ok, I'm just going to say it.

I need a freakin kick in the ass.

I've been dealing with this crap for over 10 years, and as you know I've just started to seek professional assistance.

Here's the deal. My problem isn't knowing how or what to do to get over my anxiety disorder. Heaven knows I've read as much info as I can get my hands on over the years. At the rate my therapy is going I will need 20 more years of 1 hour every other week to get any further than I already am.

The wild card is the medical and drug therapy, and I am so anxious (pun intended) to try this method after 10 years of procrastination that I can't sit still. My tentative appointment is September 28th, and this is about as early as I can get in anywhere. Very frustrating.

But back to the deal. I know I need to get my ass OUT and challenge this stuff. I know I need to expand my limitations slowly, de-sensitize myself, change my self talk.. etc etc etc.
But I don't do it.
Is the anxious pain and fear worse than how I feel knowing I failed by not taking control of my own recovery from anxiety and panic attacks? I'm starting to think not. I'm getting really pissed off about it, and I"m kind of happy about it. Maybe this will get me motivated because I need to get off my ass.

I'm tired of not living.

This is bullshit.

Not taking our own advice on recovering from anxiety and panic

I'm kind of frustrated lately. And frustration is definitely an anxiety, or at least leads to it for me.

I made a decision to get help with this a few weeks ago, if you aren't starting at the beginning.. My First post ABOUT ME.. I'd love to have you come along for the ride.
Now I find myself feeling like I'm not getting anywhere and anxious to get better faster. Anxious to get over anxiety. If that's not a telling statement I don't know what is! HAHA

When I'm staying inside my comfort zone I feel almost normal. The trouble is the comfort zone itself. Not only is it small, some days smaller than others, but it constantly changes as well.

Yesterday I needed to go to the DMV to get a title. Stressful for many I'm sure, but just wore me out. I would not have been able to handle it without some assistance from my brother.
This morning I needed to run up to Quik Trip to get some air in my tire, just a block and a half that I could walk in 3 minutes, and just the sheery busy-ness of the place kind of got on my nerves. (And did I just give it a few minutes to simmer down.. of course not)

It's really a bummer to be reliant on someone else just to do simple tasks.

I hope I can get in to see a medical Dr. soon. I would really like to get this talk therapy going, get some meds going, and dive head first into this crap. Obviously knowing what you need is sometimes not enough. Heaven knows I've read, surfed, and watched so much information yet I allow long held habits to take over. I honestly know what it must be like to be addicted and trying to quit.

Just how I feel today, sorry for the lack of information. One of my favorite latest books on Anxiety.. written by a doctor and I think copyright in the last year or two is linked! Really packed full of information, and available at AMAZON! Woohoo.. delivered to my agoraphobic door.. sigh......


And another light read with great information..


Has anyone ever tried the online programs? Panic Away is one, The Linden Method is the another of the more popular programs. If you have, I'd love to hear from you. If I could find a program that worked, or a cure, I'd spend every last dime I had on it! You know you would!

Free Friday. Help for Anxiety and Panic Disorder

Hey, its Friday! Probably the most anticipated day of anyone's week.

This week I was bringing an old desktop back from the dead and found some Claire Weekes audio that I had a few years ago.

Dr. Claire Weekes has one of the best books on Anxiety ever. It is an older book, and very quick and easy to read, but some say and I agree that the basics of this book are all you need to start beating this crappy disease.



That is the book, I know the good thing about Amazon.com for me was prices, and the product will be delivered right to your door. A lifesaver if you're having trouble motivating yourself to get out.

I highly recommend this book. I've sat in a hot bath, turned into a raisin, reading this book over and over.

And like I said, for FREE FRIDAY, I have some audio clips I'm willing to share, if you want them, email me at the address above!

Remember, whatever causes you Panic and Anxiety today, try to make it 2 to 3 more minutes.. and if you're still ok, make it wait a couple more! You can do this!

The Anxiety Conundrum

Funny how with all the information available to us, we still have the hardest time healing ourselves. I was reading a friends dieting blog and it really stuck out that Anxiety is very similar.

People who are overweight very often are the first to know that they are eating too much. They know they're eating too much, and more than a few try to justify their eating, or blame their overweight condition on other factors.

Anxiety is the same way. I know what I'm feeling is irrational. I know there is no basis for how I feel except for psychological patterns I've established while in fear.

Right now it is raining with thunder and my greyhound is absolutely flipping out. Shaking so hard you think he's going to break, panting, drooling.. basically a panic attack. I know the thunder and rain is not going to hurt him. The rain and thunder has never hurt him. But at some time he has built an association of great fear to these factors, and it never lets him down. :(

So what happened to cause that situation in myself?

I am not sure what initiated the first instance for me, and that is probably a topic for textbooks and courses of study, but I think it boils down to heridity, personality type, and stressful circumstances just to name a few.

But I'm talking about perpetuation a situation that we know is false and harmful to our enjoyment of life. Here's how I know I built my own walls. Initially I was under great duress and panicked. Well, it's called the fight or flight response, and my personality is to flight. (Not an easy thing for a man to admit, and probably why the instance of Anxiety and Panic are not as high in men as in women... women are smarter!)
Well as you know, panic attacks are limited. If you don't fully understand this you need to know. Once you know that they cannot hurt you, and will not last forever (15 minutes usually) you've gained very important knowledge that will help you understand and defeat what is happening.
I have wandered, but here is what I believe happens to strengthen and TRICK you into this disease. You FLEE the situation, and of course your symptoms relax... both by leaving the dangerous situation(real OR imagined), plus your spike of bodily chemicals begins to burn off immediately (the 15 minute rule), and you feel better, RELIEF.

Your body physiology, and mental psychology will associate RELIEF with FLIGHT. Do this exercise a few thousand times and you've built yourself one serious problem.
Obviously I think the way out is the reverse of the way in. I'm going to have to stick myself right back in these situations and react to them differently, even if I have to fake it initially. And trust me, I do not think its going to be easy or fun.

The thing is, I could help myself immensely if I would think just that, FUN.. even if I have to convince myself the opposite of what I'm now naturally inclined to think... if you can call a false belief and reactionary system natural.

So, if like me, you've created a world, possibly an agoraphobic world, where you feel "ok" and are getting by.. you need to know that you're being TRICKED. If you are avoiding, fleeing, rationalizing, making deals.. etc (you know who you are) and not living the life you want to live, then no matter how you feel at the moment you are STILL under the effects of Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This has been the biggest realization for me in the beginning phases of treatment. Remember, I just thought I was high strung, and everything I avoided made me feel better. If you called me out on my avoidance, I had TONS of rationalizations! (excuses)

So when you're feeling that "tingle".. I know it sucks.. I know it is scary.. and even if you think you can't make it... try making it for another 2 or 3 minutes. I'm telling you that chemically you're already starting to feel better if you'd just pause a minute. Panic is a RIGHT NOW thing, because when it's legitimate, you need to act RIGHT NOW. But in situations you KNOW are not dangerous, you can afford to just sit and feel the excitement. Think of a roller coaster. The feeling of excitement and fear are almost identical! You'll find that the longer you continue the easier it will be. So just let it happen for a few minutes. Just one or two.. then since you're there, and feeling better, try one or two more.

I know its not that easy. I've known a lot of this for many years. The tricks my body plays on me are just the things I think I'm scared of the most. (passing out, mostly.. early on it was heart attacks) And try as I might, terrified is just something that's hard to give 2 or 3 minutes time to go away. But I know I'm going to have to... There are coping skills. I know some, and I hope to learn more, and I'll blog about them as I go.

Hopefully I"m helping or entertaining you.. someone.. helloo? Is this thing on?

Still optimistic... Very Optimistic today. Still no medical appointment, so no meds in the immediate future... and still optimistic. Will be challenging myself later today.. looking forward to it!!! (said almost with a straight face. )

Hang in there.

Focusing on Panic Attacks and Anxiety

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to seek professional assistance is because of the ability I have of seeing my problem so clearly.

Now I know I can't see a chemical imbalance, but I see my part in creating it. (If there is in fact one present)

A perfect example is my last 4 days. I had a situation that created swelling around my tailbone and put an enormous amount of pressure around and on my sciatic nerve. I must say that it was one of the most painful 48 hours I have ever had. I passed a stone once, did it at home in my bathroom in the wee hours of the night, and it was awful but only lasted 3 hours. I think maybe this pain was slightly less sharp but the endurance and power it had over me was incredible.

Firstly.. I handled it. I have no idea what my anxiety could ever convince me to be afraid of when I handled the worst pain I can even imagine.

But more interestingly, I had a very low incidence of anxiety and panic during this 48 hours... and I believe it is wholly related to my focus during this time. I just didn't have the time to work up a good panic attack or stir up a good anxiety stew.

I've always been able to kind of seperate myself, get that view of myself, and I sit and watch myself conjure anxiety and panic from situations that I've decided are going to cause me problems. The catch.. I can't stop it. It's like I accept a rule that I wrote, even though I know its wrong and I'm the author and can change it.

Just my thought this weekend.. other than OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH.

Wondered what anyone else thinks of Focus and the part it may or may not play in this wonderful disease.

Online help for Anxiety and Panic Disorder - FREE FRIDAYS

This will be my very first FREE FRIDAY!!!

I know a lot of my blog is about my finally asking for help and entering counseling and medical intervention. Also remember that I have dealt with this disorder for approximately 15 years and have for a majority of the time been "high functioning". That is my term, and by high functioning I mean that I do get out of my house, I do work occasionally, and I have pursued a small amount of happiness on occasion. I was even in a 10 year relationship with a VERY understanding woman. But I do have the symptoms of anxiety and panic at all times, which is frustrating and depressing and makes everything so difficult, not to mention exhausting.

So even though I've finally decided to take a home run swing at this crap, my circumstances may have been, and may still be, very similar to yours. I didn't have, and still do not have medical insurance. I also had, and still have, some reservations about taking the medications associated with these disorders. So I got by on INFORMATION. I read everything I could get my hands on, I watched every informational video I could find online, and I even purchased a few "programs" available online. Ultimately I believe this is a thinking disorder, or more correctly an improper thinking disorder, so anything you can do about your state of mind, and your depth of knowledge will most certainly help you in your condition.

So today I am going to mention something called "The Anxiety Bible".
It is available online at a free site and I'm sure you can find it. I am not sure about linking/back linking and other web tactics at this time and I prefer to play it safe. If you can't find it drop me an email and I'll give you the URL.

The first step of the "Bible". COUNSELING
I have just started this path myself. It can be very expensive but it won't last forever. Also there are programs to assist people with low incomes and no insurance. Also, who knows whats in store with the US's new health insurance laws. I will say that I felt the stigma of visiting a "Mental Health Center" but it has quickly passed. Though I'm in the very beginning, the weight off my shoulders opening up to an experience and respected counselor is noticeable and I am optimistic.

Step Two. EXERCISE
Talk about a whole other blog! Haha. I am lucky in that I am not out of shape, and by that I mean bodily shape! I am height and weight proportional. But physically I have a low amount of strength, energy, and stamina. You don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I've thought about and tried to start an exercise regimen. With anxiety disorder it is even harder because breathing hard and struggling is a precursor some a lot of sufferers panic attacks. The reasons for this are too many to post in a single post, maybe even an entire blog, but besides the obvious long term health benefits you will be BURNING OFF excess energy, the fuel of anxiety.

Step Three. DIET
Talk about an entirely blog worth subject. Again I will sidestep the obvious benefits because I'm sure you know but there are a few key diet tips for anxiety sufferers. First and most important... NO CAFFEINE EVER. I have practiced this tip for about 16 months and without doubt lowered my anxiety levels and increased my health. If I forget how much difference it makes (I was addicted to Pepsi Cola) I soon remember when I accidentally ingest something high in caffeine. ZOOOOM, right into an anxious buzz. Also obviously try to reduced processed foods and foods with the increasingly evil HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. Again, I'm not a dietician but I'm sure it can only help.

Step Four, final step for today. MEDICATION
Like I said above, I had and still have reservations about the medications prescribed for these disorders. But along with reaching step one, I've reached this step. I know that I said I believe my anxiety is a thinking disorder, I also know the power of my mind. Right or wrong, it creates what I tell it to create. (Can you imagine developing better control and creating only spectacular things?) Well, I consider my thought patterns like a groove in a record and I've dug a very deep groove. I plan to use the medication as a tool to help me step out of this groove and see the alternatives I've been missing. And if you're wondering how this might affect you... then follow me, or join my blog, or whatever they call it. I intend to document my entire journey out of this damn rut!

The difference between a rut and a grave is only a few feet. (attributed to a lot of people so forgive my lack of credit)

Lets get out of this damn rut.

Who wants to do some P90X? I bought this program in December. I've attempted 2 or 3 workouts. This needs to change. Email or comment and kick me in the butt!

Was it Abraham Lincoln who said...

"Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be" ?

I'm sure he also said...

"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

But you'll see that I intend to continue in spite of that warning.

My thought for today is about the feeling I've had after my first two therapy sessions where the only real therapy consists of me dumping my frustrations and problems on a 3rd party. My therapist Jane.

After my first 60 minute session, which as you can assume is mostly fact finding and evaluation, I had this relaxed, loose feeling for about 2 hours. I even went and picked up a few items at the Dollar Store by myself. I was distracted, relieved, kind of empty, and just generally in an open mood and I completed this task with relatively low anxiety.. and I mean relatively for an agoraphobic person with panic disorder.

After my second session of 30 minutes, which was mostly the same tactic of more feeling out and more evaluation, I maintained a reasonably non anxious state for the remainder of the afternoon, even in light of some things that usually cause me a little high anxiety or even panic.

I should mention that even though I have not been prescribed medication for these issues that I did obtain a small amount of Xanax and have taken .5mg of this medication to attend these sessions.

So... I'm sure the medication is affecting me, and if it can put a lid on these feelings for me then I wholly look forward to medical assitance with this disease..
But.. I think this more clearly shows that a lot of this anxiety and panic disorder issue has to do with what we choose to think about. Could it be that I just can't stop thinking in a certain way? More like an obsessive compulsive type disorder?

It sucks to be able to sit back and see what the heck you're doing, and how much control you have in making it happen, but NOT be able to control it in the other direction.

I'm thankful for my opportunity to change. Currently optimistic.

Check your denial at the door

Had my second therapy session today. One thing for sure.. Denial will be a thing of the past. I wonder if that was one of the factors that makes it soo hard to get help?

In my previous post I talked about how I under played my panic attacks as high anxiety. Another thing I have been suffering is limited life experience in as much as I really don't go out too much because its too hard. Agoraphobia. I really hesitated to say I'm agoraphobic, or even talk about it. In fact my sister, who is my safe person for going to therapy, asked if the therapist would consider me agoraphobic, and without hesitation and with a confident smile replied "Agoraphobic with a Panic Disorder". And there you have it. No denial to be had.

So if you're sitting on the fence or making excuses not to get help I think that in this day and age, suffering is unnecessary. I really haven't learned anything I didnt know already from reading numerous books about Anxiety, Depression, and Panic Disorder... but there's something about hearing it said to your face. I'm not even close to changed, or seeing the light.... but just the step taken to get help started is a little bit of a load off. I remain optimistic...

Anxiety or Panic Attacks

I had my first therapy session this past week. I'm optimistic about beating this disease and felt pretty good just unloading on someone for an hour.

One thing we talked about was Panic Attacks and Anxiety. It ends up that now I think I am having Panic Attacks when originally I thought I was having high anxiety. I'm not saying theres much difference, but I think I was assuming my normal state was...well, normal, and I was having anxiety when I got amped up.

I think now that I'm normally in a high anxiety state, and I'm having panic attacks when I'm 'amped up'.

I felt really good after therapy. My mind was relaxed and distracted, and feeling positively and optimistic. It only lasted an hour or two but was very enlightening.

I have another talk session next week, and I am expecting a call back from a medical facility regarding an evaluation session for possibly being prescribed some medications to help get this show on the road!

Well, I have some other thoughts from just the first hour of therapy and I have an interesting question I'll post about tomorrow, or early this week.

Day after my first therapy visit

Well, I finally made the call after about 30 or more days of worrying over it, and they got me in the very next day. I later found out that I was really lucky to call when I did and hit a cancellation.
Really the first session is just to find out my condition, ask all the required questions about my stability, and work on a plan for my recovery. I must say that my therapist made me feel very well. She listened, because I had a LOT to say, and she also said what needed to be said.
She did also agree that my phobia and avoidance behavior, combined with my anxiety and most likey depression at some level, definitely warranted a Dr visit and probable medication. And like I've said... I'm resigned to that, I agree, and I want to attack this anxiety full on.
Unfortunately I do not have insurance, nor employment at this time so the program provided by my local county (which I'm extremely grateful for, and which is my first time EVER using an assistance program) cannot get me in to a Dr. for about 6 months. There is an alternative and I am currently looking into that option, or after 15 yrs I don't think 5 months is going to kill me.

Additionally I'm grateful for my sister who takes time out of her busy schedule as a mother of 7 to be my "safe" person. I am not a full blown agoraphobic, but one of my major fears is any kind of medical facility. Without such support there would be NO getting me started with this recovery. May I never forget this dedication.

Mood... optimistic!

Finally, Appointment made..

Tomorrow at 12:30 I speak with someone at my county mental health organization. I was told over the phone that the waiting list to see a doctor for meds is over 6 months long. I find this very disappointing, though I will try to remain optimistic and positive. I realize this is a major contributor to my condition, having to have things go the way I've thought them through.

What does bother me though is that I feel like I've been working on myself HARD over the past 10 years. I read every book that I can get my hands on, trying to read the very latest published information. I've tried immersing myself into situations that cause me anxiety hoping I could desensitize myself. I've just had no luck.

I do hope that I can learn something from this though and start crawling my way out. As much as I've finally resigned to trying a medical regimen, mixed with cognitive therapy of course, I've long had a resistance to taking meds of this nature to control my anxiety. A couple reasons quickly, and not thoroughly, is that firstly I don't believe the true cure is in covering your symptoms but in learning the cause and eliminating them. Secondly, I've had this situation for almost 15 years. I know when/why/how etc I get these feelings, and there is no rhyme or reason relative to physical bodily symptoms, but more to exterior situations. I simply DECIDE what things are going to cause me anxiety. Of course those things happen, and of course I have anxiety. The trouble is I cannot STOP.

Anyways, 12:30. More to follow...

Anxiety and Easter weekend

Well, as you know I still haven't called to make my "appointment", though today may be the day.

It was Easter this past weekend. I went to my sisters house, her 7 kids were all home, and my mom was over, and although I still find myself in about an AMPED-8 on the 1-10 scale, my brother asked me to go with him which made it do-able. Far from acceptable as I used to be able to spend hours on end with my neices, but a small victory.

I didnt see my own son or my grandson, and to be honest they didn't ask. Much like most of my life I'm sure he's tired of excuses.

Also saw a show on TV this morning about a guy with Bi-polar and an addiction problem he gained by self medication which eventually cost him a major sports career. He is clean now for 3 years, and one of his points was that he learned his brain was 'wired wrong' and that now with his brain working properly he is able to mount a comeback, in a different sport since he was banned for life in the major league, but he is succesful in his field. I would like success too, in any field.

So today, I hope to make that call....

The difference between cured and tricked.

In reading and watching youtube presentations about Anxiety, Panic, and Depression (because lets face it, I chickened out on making my appointment YET again) I came across another young guy touting his success as beating these "tigers" and giving some good advice, while holding back enough to have a "program" for sale.

One of his freebies was NO CAFFEINE.. and I've been a believer and practicer of this for about a year.

Another was the very simple idea of "Be OK with whatever happens". I have had this idea FOREVER. Mostly out of frustration, you naturally get to your "F-IT" threshold. And I'll tell you, it works... somewhat, and temporarily.

So I had occasion to get excited yesterday and I start thinking... I don't care, whatever, screw it.. etc. And it works. It staves off a panic attack or any higher anxiety pretty decently. But I got to thinking some more, and decided that I'm FAKING. I'm forcing myself into a 'I don't care' attitude because I'm still resisting panic and anxiety, yet though I fake, it is working quite decently.

So if not caring WORKS.. real or implied.. How can you get to where you REALLY don't care? You know, like we all used to be, before the "Tiger" caught us. Because really, I was just forcing this idea because I am still afraid of panic and anxiety. I can see the other side from here. How do you get to a TRUE no fear, no worries type situation? For now I guess I will keep with "Fake it to Make it" and see if I can start a new habit.

What do you think?

To call or not to call..

Of course I haven't called to get an appointment with the local mental health office yet.

I did spend about 2 hours on the internet reading about the different anxiety medications and how they worked, what the side effects might be, and etc.

Also I keep going back to the "programs" that are available. Has anyone tried any of these?

The one is Panic Away. Tons of people are selling this on affiliate programs. It looks ok, but of course they each pan each other so you don't know.

The other is The Linden Method. Seems a little more meaty, gives a little more information before you buy, but I'm not sure I believe any program that talks about such quick relief.

I found a 3rd program last night by searching youtube. I don't know the name but one of the guys URLs is ILOVEPANIC.com I think. He is a Belgian who has recovered from Anxiety and depression. Of course he has ALL the symptoms I have, and seems like he's talking JUST TO ME. Then I think..why wouldnt he? He's trying to sell me a program.

Has anyone used any of these? I do know that by just listening to a couple hours of advice and sales pitches, I do feel a little better and like I can brain-muscle my way out of this. Or should I just get the help?

I know that I don't have any readers, but here's hoping the right person comes along at the right time.

Maybe today.... I have the number out.