It's as simple as that. You need to do the work.
I remember my first appointment. If you have this disease, and/or a little agoraphobia, you can imagine how hard it was to go through it. Of course I had to have someone take me, and even that only made it possible, not any more comfortable.
But I had a short ecstatic feeling afterwards. An "I did it" moment. And it actually feels good to get these problems out in the open to people who want to help you. But I'll be honest... the moment was brief... the first time. But each time it gets easier and easier, and the success feelings last longer and longer. I actually went to my last appointment ALONE.. and afterwards stopped by the drugstore for some supplies.. And I felt pretty good about it.
But other than that, I'm not doing the work. And the reverse is happening to me. I"m actually frustrated, anxious, and depressed because I'm not doing the work. And its just that first bump in the road.... like the first Dr. appt that I felt I could hardly get through. But just like finally going on my own, this is exactly what work I need to get done. Get through these things that cause fear. One 'appointment' at a time until each place is comfortable.
If you're agoraphobic then hopefully you have safe people like me that are willing to help. If not, then just do a little bit. Don't set yourself up to fail.. but just go out and feel some pressure. Like a work out. Feel the burn. Examine it, feel it, but don't push it. And that's your work for the day. And do it again tomorrow!
Do the work... even if you have to put everything else out of your mind. I'm having trouble with that one too. I have so much to do, need to make money, need have things done to my car, etc etc etc.. But I need to get better or none of those things will matter.
That seems kind of like a dire thing to say, but I'm starting to think that's the way you need to look at it. I hung on to the last rung of the ladder, just above dire, for so many years.. and it kept me from getting help. Not until I felt like I had no other choice did I do what I had to do. Make it dire that you do a little work today.. and every day. Its not easy, but the funny thing is, it does get easier. And if you've been stuck for a long time like me.. it gets easier in SMALL increments. But don't let it get you down. After awhile it actually gets hard to NOT do something every day.
This is where I feel myself.. the frustration has changed to where if I don't do some work, I'll be down on myself..so today I'm going to do a little work.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
What I think about the "hanging on of my mind" to anxiety and panic attacks
Yesterday I wrote of the feelings I'm having as anxiety medications work their magic on me, yet my mind and habits still put up the good fight to remain in their old ways. In fact, I find that as I get a little used to the meds, the brain is adapting and can in fact cause a little anxiety.. luckily not so much as to create a panic attack.. thank you Xanax.. but definitely anxious thoughts and hesitation to do things that cause me these feelings, now and in the past.
One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.
But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.
Have a great day.
Dave
One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.
But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.
Have a great day.
Dave
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hanging on to Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Ok, so I'm a month into anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.
A little longer on the cognitive therapy.
And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.
That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.
And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.
I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.
As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.
I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.
But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.
Is anybody out there? :)
A little longer on the cognitive therapy.
And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.
That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.
And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.
I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.
As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.
I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.
But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.
Is anybody out there? :)
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Setbacks while recovering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks
And I guess setbacks at any time in life. Do you ever notice that after a really good experience that a setback seems to be more devastating?
I guess that is just the nature of things, maybe even just philosophy.. you know, Yin and Yang. They say you can't experience the highest of highs without knowing the lowest of lows. I get that, I really do. Perspective, appreciation, gratitude. How else could you have these things except by experience. (I know, you blind faithers will say you can just believe, and thats OK if that works for you.. but I like to learn, then believe by experience)
But I digress. I have made some decent strides in my Anxiety and Panic Attack therapy, which does involve medication and cognitive therapy. After one of my best days, I had one of my very worst days since beginning. And I let it get to me.. habits are hard to break. And I did bounce back pretty quickly but that's not my point, though was a nice experience.
My point is this... Understanding, or acceptance if they aren't the same in this instance. Why do I expect only to have good days? Why do I not believe in the yin/yang philosophy? Why do I not just believe in common sense, that being that every day is not going to be great? Instead I expect to not have to deal with anxiety feelings.
Maybe I don't have enough acceptance of things. I am learning to accept how I feel when I'm having anxiety, or even panic. And trust me, it is no easy feat. But knowing that every day doesn't have to be perfect helps me to bounce back quicker. (Ok, and so does the Xanax... lets be honest!haha)
So anyways.. finally a weather break where I live. It is easier to have a positive outlook when its sunny and 80, especially after 2 weeks of overcast and rain. Wouldn't you know that now my plumbing is backing up and needs to be dealt with immediately. Yin and a stanky yang....
So my real point.. I guess stanky yangs are just part of life.... ;)
I guess that is just the nature of things, maybe even just philosophy.. you know, Yin and Yang. They say you can't experience the highest of highs without knowing the lowest of lows. I get that, I really do. Perspective, appreciation, gratitude. How else could you have these things except by experience. (I know, you blind faithers will say you can just believe, and thats OK if that works for you.. but I like to learn, then believe by experience)
But I digress. I have made some decent strides in my Anxiety and Panic Attack therapy, which does involve medication and cognitive therapy. After one of my best days, I had one of my very worst days since beginning. And I let it get to me.. habits are hard to break. And I did bounce back pretty quickly but that's not my point, though was a nice experience.
My point is this... Understanding, or acceptance if they aren't the same in this instance. Why do I expect only to have good days? Why do I not believe in the yin/yang philosophy? Why do I not just believe in common sense, that being that every day is not going to be great? Instead I expect to not have to deal with anxiety feelings.
Maybe I don't have enough acceptance of things. I am learning to accept how I feel when I'm having anxiety, or even panic. And trust me, it is no easy feat. But knowing that every day doesn't have to be perfect helps me to bounce back quicker. (Ok, and so does the Xanax... lets be honest!haha)
So anyways.. finally a weather break where I live. It is easier to have a positive outlook when its sunny and 80, especially after 2 weeks of overcast and rain. Wouldn't you know that now my plumbing is backing up and needs to be dealt with immediately. Yin and a stanky yang....
So my real point.. I guess stanky yangs are just part of life.... ;)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Anxiety Medications and Anti Depressants
Ok..so I posted my "sorry I was gone post", and I feel pretty decent today... for a guy who can't walk, and I want to get back to business.
I've been on Lexapro for about 3 full weeks now. And during this time I've been taking .5 of Xanax, 3 times a day.
First off.. I do not feel drugged, though I am sleeping a little more than I used to. I make no excuses.. being anxious will flat wear you out.
I don't even feel the slightest bit unclear in my ability to think or operate.
What I have been feeling is an inability to get stressed out, freaked out, or just downright get down on myself. In fact, talking to a friend about "Woe is me".. I finally decide to get medical help for my Anxiety and Panic Disorder, now I get this Skin infection.. wah wah wah.. and what I finally said was "And what sucks is I can't get really depressed because of the damn meds" Hahaha.
Talk about taking one smack between the eyes. And that's how it's been.
Also being an agoraphobic person in varying degrees, I'm finding that it's more difficult to "honor" my minds desire to ramp me up about things. I feel it, I'm aware of it's thinking patterns, and that part of me WANTS to go through the actions it's so accustomed to taking. Problem is, I can't physically produce the symptoms. I did almost take about 10 breaths that were those anxious types. I was home alone, dealing with all this pain of the staph infection, it was late, and I just needed to have a panic attack. I was doing the normal thinking patterns. All the outward necessities were met.. and somehow being the strong person I think I am, I worked up about 10 anxious breaths. You know.. too long.. too close together... too deep.. too forced. And that was it.
I rolled over, watched TV until I fell asleep, and woke up nice and refreshed at 5:30 to find my room mate in bed. I didn't count down the minutes until he returned, I didn't even notice his return.
I'm really pissed at this damn staph infection when I finally decide to deal with my major mental issues. But I'm very happy about how the medication is working, and how I'm aware of my minds efforts to contribute to my old ways. I honestly think I'm going to be able to get this!
So there's my 3 week report. A lot better than I ever thought 3 weeks could be... remember in week 1, I really thought I was wasting my time.
Stick with it. Just Do It!
Btw, found this interesting fellow posting on youtube.com about anxiety, and I like what he says and how he says it. If you want a link, drop me a line or a comment and I'll get back to you.
I've been on Lexapro for about 3 full weeks now. And during this time I've been taking .5 of Xanax, 3 times a day.
First off.. I do not feel drugged, though I am sleeping a little more than I used to. I make no excuses.. being anxious will flat wear you out.
I don't even feel the slightest bit unclear in my ability to think or operate.
What I have been feeling is an inability to get stressed out, freaked out, or just downright get down on myself. In fact, talking to a friend about "Woe is me".. I finally decide to get medical help for my Anxiety and Panic Disorder, now I get this Skin infection.. wah wah wah.. and what I finally said was "And what sucks is I can't get really depressed because of the damn meds" Hahaha.
Talk about taking one smack between the eyes. And that's how it's been.
Also being an agoraphobic person in varying degrees, I'm finding that it's more difficult to "honor" my minds desire to ramp me up about things. I feel it, I'm aware of it's thinking patterns, and that part of me WANTS to go through the actions it's so accustomed to taking. Problem is, I can't physically produce the symptoms. I did almost take about 10 breaths that were those anxious types. I was home alone, dealing with all this pain of the staph infection, it was late, and I just needed to have a panic attack. I was doing the normal thinking patterns. All the outward necessities were met.. and somehow being the strong person I think I am, I worked up about 10 anxious breaths. You know.. too long.. too close together... too deep.. too forced. And that was it.
I rolled over, watched TV until I fell asleep, and woke up nice and refreshed at 5:30 to find my room mate in bed. I didn't count down the minutes until he returned, I didn't even notice his return.
I'm really pissed at this damn staph infection when I finally decide to deal with my major mental issues. But I'm very happy about how the medication is working, and how I'm aware of my minds efforts to contribute to my old ways. I honestly think I'm going to be able to get this!
So there's my 3 week report. A lot better than I ever thought 3 weeks could be... remember in week 1, I really thought I was wasting my time.
Stick with it. Just Do It!
Btw, found this interesting fellow posting on youtube.com about anxiety, and I like what he says and how he says it. If you want a link, drop me a line or a comment and I'll get back to you.
Carbuncle, Boils, and Staph. OUCH
Sorry for the disappearance, but the title says it all. I acquired a skin infection that got a little out of control and in fact had me quite worried before I finally turned a corner and it seems I'm on the way out.
Let me give you a piece of advice... don't touch them, don't try to pop them, don't squeeze them. PERIOD. After I learned this..... the hard way... I quickly turned the corner.
But boy, let me tell you.. the infection started on my butt cheek, about top of crack high, and about an inch outta the "valley"... and when it got inflamed.."Angry" you might say.. WOW did I have a few dark nights of the soul. I can tell you right now that if I hadn't started these anti anxiety and depression meds that I would have flat out FLIPPED. 5150. Panic Attack supreme. And I still almost did.
If you ever get them, and like me you are averse to DRs... look em up online. I did that, and I also called a local service called "Ask a Nurse".
Don't Touch.
Keep clean, washing many times daily with anti bacterial soap.
Don't Touch.
Keep covered, they are HIGHLY contagious.
Wash hands after dealing with it.
Don't TOUCH, Squeeze, push, pinch, spread, itch. No matter what.
Change clothes in the infected area daily, same with bed clothes.
Wash often in HOT, boiling if possible, water.
Don't share towels, razors, wash clothes, or any other hygiene items with anyone else.
And there are plenty more.
I'm finally feeling better. Besides the quarter sized DENT in my ass.. the last thing I'm dealing with is a TEENY TINY little one I thought I could man-handle and pop on my knee. DON'T do it. I woke up the next day barely able to walk. Thankfully, it too is healing.
I will tell you, I'm a very clean person. But my new room mate is not, and in the state of my depression I had gotten very lax.... ie, not showering every single day.. layin around in the same sweat pants for a few days.. not changing the sheets often enough. Well, lesson learned. We're back to healthy hygiene around here!
Hope to get back on schedule.
And hey, if you have a friend who might like my stories, please send them by. Would like to get a few readers so we can start some discussions, maybe some guest posting, or whatever can come of it. Thanks!
Let me give you a piece of advice... don't touch them, don't try to pop them, don't squeeze them. PERIOD. After I learned this..... the hard way... I quickly turned the corner.
But boy, let me tell you.. the infection started on my butt cheek, about top of crack high, and about an inch outta the "valley"... and when it got inflamed.."Angry" you might say.. WOW did I have a few dark nights of the soul. I can tell you right now that if I hadn't started these anti anxiety and depression meds that I would have flat out FLIPPED. 5150. Panic Attack supreme. And I still almost did.
If you ever get them, and like me you are averse to DRs... look em up online. I did that, and I also called a local service called "Ask a Nurse".
Don't Touch.
Keep clean, washing many times daily with anti bacterial soap.
Don't Touch.
Keep covered, they are HIGHLY contagious.
Wash hands after dealing with it.
Don't TOUCH, Squeeze, push, pinch, spread, itch. No matter what.
Change clothes in the infected area daily, same with bed clothes.
Wash often in HOT, boiling if possible, water.
Don't share towels, razors, wash clothes, or any other hygiene items with anyone else.
And there are plenty more.
I'm finally feeling better. Besides the quarter sized DENT in my ass.. the last thing I'm dealing with is a TEENY TINY little one I thought I could man-handle and pop on my knee. DON'T do it. I woke up the next day barely able to walk. Thankfully, it too is healing.
I will tell you, I'm a very clean person. But my new room mate is not, and in the state of my depression I had gotten very lax.... ie, not showering every single day.. layin around in the same sweat pants for a few days.. not changing the sheets often enough. Well, lesson learned. We're back to healthy hygiene around here!
Hope to get back on schedule.
And hey, if you have a friend who might like my stories, please send them by. Would like to get a few readers so we can start some discussions, maybe some guest posting, or whatever can come of it. Thanks!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Increase your Anxiety and Panic knowledge
because knowledge is power.
And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.
That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.
Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.
If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.
Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!
Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment
Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia
Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!
Best to you.
PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.
And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.
That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.
Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.
If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.
Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!
Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment
Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia
Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!
Best to you.
PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Physical anxiety symptoms vs Mental Anxiety Symptoms
So as you've read, I am on some meds finally and though I consider myself in the adjustment period, one of the drugs, XANAX, is pretty quick acting.
I am also taking Lexapro and am on my 6th day of 10mg. I am taking .5mg Xanax 3x a day over the adjustment period.
First off, I just want to say that I was very VERY surprised to be prescribed the alprazolam (xanax).. but as I am following my Drs orders I do NOT feel overly medicated and I do feel WAY less anxious and have not really spiked a panic attack. I would say that this is because I'm still staying within my safety zones, being a good little agoraphobic, but today I did actually go to the bank, and to the service station to get air in my tire. This act caused me great distress last week.
Today was kind of strange. Waiting in line at the bank, my mind knew I needed to be wound up about this. Also pulling in to the service station to get air reminded me of how this made me feel just last week. Here is the thing... without my body fulfilling the anxious desires of my mind I was unable to be afraid of these things as I have been in the past. Was I unsure.. Oh yes, of course I was. This has only been one week and I've suffered with Panic and Anxiety for over 13 years.
I was affected profoundly by the fact that even though my mind wanted to be anxious I was unable to blow it out of proportion without the accompanying physical sensations.
I have read this over and over again in every book and course I've read on these diseases. Don't be fooled by the physical sensations. They are tricking you and cannot hurt you. Man, if I could have just done that, but I fell for it every single time.
So that's where I am today. I plan to continue to travel old paths that used to cause me such distress. Hopefully my mind can break the habits that it's been practicing all this time.
Again I want to say to you if you're reading this blog and felt the things I've felt. You're NOT handling it. There is help available, even if you don't have money or insurance. Start asking. Its the first step that took me 13 yrs.
I am also taking Lexapro and am on my 6th day of 10mg. I am taking .5mg Xanax 3x a day over the adjustment period.
First off, I just want to say that I was very VERY surprised to be prescribed the alprazolam (xanax).. but as I am following my Drs orders I do NOT feel overly medicated and I do feel WAY less anxious and have not really spiked a panic attack. I would say that this is because I'm still staying within my safety zones, being a good little agoraphobic, but today I did actually go to the bank, and to the service station to get air in my tire. This act caused me great distress last week.
Today was kind of strange. Waiting in line at the bank, my mind knew I needed to be wound up about this. Also pulling in to the service station to get air reminded me of how this made me feel just last week. Here is the thing... without my body fulfilling the anxious desires of my mind I was unable to be afraid of these things as I have been in the past. Was I unsure.. Oh yes, of course I was. This has only been one week and I've suffered with Panic and Anxiety for over 13 years.
I was affected profoundly by the fact that even though my mind wanted to be anxious I was unable to blow it out of proportion without the accompanying physical sensations.
I have read this over and over again in every book and course I've read on these diseases. Don't be fooled by the physical sensations. They are tricking you and cannot hurt you. Man, if I could have just done that, but I fell for it every single time.
So that's where I am today. I plan to continue to travel old paths that used to cause me such distress. Hopefully my mind can break the habits that it's been practicing all this time.
Again I want to say to you if you're reading this blog and felt the things I've felt. You're NOT handling it. There is help available, even if you don't have money or insurance. Start asking. Its the first step that took me 13 yrs.
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