You know whats weird?

Awareness.

I went to a poker game last night.. and that's quite a bit for me really.  I don't know if you've ever sat at a poker table in a poker room surrounding.  Its kind of crowded, little stuffy, loud, tons of action and lots of things to focus on.  But I still like playing poker, and I went with one of my "safe" friends (you anxiety folks know what I mean) so I thought I'd give it a try. 

I've been surprising myself a little lately, even after the horrible week I had the previous week, I'd call this week a definite plus.. maybe a 7 out of 10.  Ten not being normal by any means.. 10 being what I'd call a good week of working on myself.  (Ok, maybe an 8 to 8.5.  I did work several days, and actually went and had dinner with an internet friend of mine.  That alone is worth a point and a half)

But back to awareness.  Sometimes when I'm really into something, like poker, or internet friends, I can completely forget all that back ground buzz of anxiety and panic in my head.   Also, I felt like I wanted to be fully alert so I didnt fall back on the Xanax for an added cushion.. though  did up-dose for the internet "meeting".
Well, I didnt do all that well at poker.  I was all over the board with my thoughts and obsessions.  I didn't concentrate on the flow of the game.. I couldnt keep my eyes looking down, I certainly couldnt keep my mouth shut (nervous chatter has always been one of my anxiety barometers),  and really stayed in a very keyed up state of being, both physically and mentally. Barometrically speaking I don't know if I am HIGH pressure during that time, because thats usually clear skies, or LOW pressure because thats stormy and out of control.. but I was on an edge one way or the other.

What was weird though was that I could see it going on, like I was witnessing myself.  Weirder that I couldn't stop it.. like a huge ball rolling down hill, even though I clearly and obviously saw the entire process controlling me.  In a way, the fact that I was observing was keeping me from blowing a fuse, though I clearly was not comfortable, in a way I was participating in my event, instead of just riding through it.

That just has me weirded out.. not so much in a bad way.   Is this a start of how you get better?   In a way I wasn't scared, though I certainly was miles from comfortable.  I'm trying not to beat myself up over the "loss" of not being able to concentrate (I  made a few bad plays, and in poker thats all it takes), the loss of not being able to control something I saw happening, and just be happy that I did it, I did it short of meds, and I guess happy for the strange observers point from where I watched the entire evening.

Well, thats whats weird to me... today.

BTW.. I don't know if it was a cumulative stress release, or the lack of the Xanax dose in the evening, but I could not sleep for 80% of the night due to over active mind and happy legs, my legs felt like they had TnT in them and I couldnt hold still to save my ass.  Again, is that good or bad?   I built all that up, yet functioned, even if poorly... and then released it through nervous thought and energy right away...  as I feel pretty base line this morning.  Weird I tell ya... interesting weird.

Birthday Blog Post.

Happy Birthday to me.... etc.

But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?

I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!

And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.

Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,

Yea, I saw what you wrote... it was just you being you.  I knew what you meant and suggest that you quit worrying about you just being yourself. Thats a form of anxiety. You are fine who you are, you are fine when you're "juiced up" (our anxiety and panicky term) and you're fine when you're not!

 And I'm like.. DAMN. (not only is she awesome, but she's exactly right)

On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.

But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,

... if you just be yourself at all times, then people that don't get you, will probably never get you, and then you'll just know.

Awesome.

And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.

So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....

(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)

Better times.. rebounding from Anxiety recovery setbacks

Well, I'm happy to report that I seem to have recovered to at least what I'd call a base line.. or simply that although I'm certainly far from recovery, I'm back in control, feeling decent, and eager to get back to work on recovery.

The shift that I'm happy to have made over the past week is that I'm doing more things that cause me anxiety and panic type reactions. Now, does this mean that I'm cured.. HALLELUJAH.. nah, not even close. Actually I am mostly dealing with anxiety thoughts, hurrying through things, not concentrating on the moment as much as concentrating getting finished, but the difference is that I'm taking the action and all healing has to start there.

An example is in the simple (to most people) trip to the car wash. I got my butt, and my dirty ride, down there finally and got to scrubbing. But half way through I realized I was drenched with sweat and my throat was parched. I had to slow down a second and evaluate what was going on. What I discovered was that I was going through this task like it was an Olympic sport... fast and furious. Then of course the realization of breathing hard, sweating, parched throat just added to the anxiety but I kept on going.
Now, it's easy to think of this as a failure because the entire nature of the beast is not feeling like this. These are the feelings that the whole disease is centered around and what your avoidance is created to avoid.
But that's not the deal. Life isn't always going to be easy.. and surely I don't mean that getting excited at the carwash is normal, but my point is that sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Which is often what an anxious person will not do. Which has been me.. for a LONG time.

So I'm trying to look at it as a progress. I did what I wouldnt normally do. So thats a WIN.

I had a few wins this week, and each one was WORK, let me tell you. But the work was done, and hopefully those muscles get back in shape, and I can learn to get back in the moment, and out of the 'what ifs'.

The thing I think I need to work on in my mind is that it took 10 years to get here, getting home isn't going to be a quick trip. (though hopefully less than 10 yrs. But if it does.. if I can embrace the trip then so be it)

I guess I can accept that... eventually. :)

Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Setbacks

So, I really had a few crappy weeks. Anxiety pushing through my meds, even some near panic situations.. arguably a few notches less than before, but uncomfortable and disablingly frustrating for sure.

Had some counseling yesterday and was givin this poem by Portia Nelson.

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

END

I like it. I like how fault changes. I like how time in the hole changes. I like the awareness that comes alive.

I think I'm somewhere in stanza II. I pretend I don't see the hole, I fall in, and it still takes time to get out. It pisses me off, but I need to chill because its not my fault. I also see stanza III coming. I want to accept fault, I want to fight the habit, and I want to learn to get out immediately.

I can't wait to walk down another street....

What I think about the "hanging on of my mind" to anxiety and panic attacks

Yesterday I wrote of the feelings I'm having as anxiety medications work their magic on me, yet my mind and habits still put up the good fight to remain in their old ways. In fact, I find that as I get a little used to the meds, the brain is adapting and can in fact cause a little anxiety.. luckily not so much as to create a panic attack.. thank you Xanax.. but definitely anxious thoughts and hesitation to do things that cause me these feelings, now and in the past.

One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.

But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.

Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.

Have a great day.

Dave

Hanging on to Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Ok, so I'm a month into anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.

A little longer on the cognitive therapy.

And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.

That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.

And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.

I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.

As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.

I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.

But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.

Is anybody out there? :)

Setbacks while recovering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks

And I guess setbacks at any time in life. Do you ever notice that after a really good experience that a setback seems to be more devastating?

I guess that is just the nature of things, maybe even just philosophy.. you know, Yin and Yang. They say you can't experience the highest of highs without knowing the lowest of lows. I get that, I really do. Perspective, appreciation, gratitude. How else could you have these things except by experience. (I know, you blind faithers will say you can just believe, and thats OK if that works for you.. but I like to learn, then believe by experience)

But I digress. I have made some decent strides in my Anxiety and Panic Attack therapy, which does involve medication and cognitive therapy. After one of my best days, I had one of my very worst days since beginning. And I let it get to me.. habits are hard to break. And I did bounce back pretty quickly but that's not my point, though was a nice experience.

My point is this... Understanding, or acceptance if they aren't the same in this instance. Why do I expect only to have good days? Why do I not believe in the yin/yang philosophy? Why do I not just believe in common sense, that being that every day is not going to be great? Instead I expect to not have to deal with anxiety feelings.

Maybe I don't have enough acceptance of things. I am learning to accept how I feel when I'm having anxiety, or even panic. And trust me, it is no easy feat. But knowing that every day doesn't have to be perfect helps me to bounce back quicker. (Ok, and so does the Xanax... lets be honest!haha)

So anyways.. finally a weather break where I live. It is easier to have a positive outlook when its sunny and 80, especially after 2 weeks of overcast and rain. Wouldn't you know that now my plumbing is backing up and needs to be dealt with immediately. Yin and a stanky yang....

So my real point.. I guess stanky yangs are just part of life.... ;)

Increase your Anxiety and Panic knowledge

because knowledge is power.

And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.

That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.

Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.

If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.

Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!






Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment

Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia


Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!

Best to you.

PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.

I'm going to order more information today

Today I've decided to buy more information.

In relation to what I am paying for professional help the internet is a GOLD MINE.

Today, I was searching the clickbank marketplace and there appears to be a new leading program for Anxiety and Panic Attacks called The Panic Puzzle.

If you're not familiar with clickbank it is an online affiliate program. Vendors list their products for sale, and affiliates promote and sell the product for them for a commission. I have not sold one single product from the site, though I have signed up for it a couple years ago. Due to being a member there I can browse their "clickbank marketplace" and go over their data. This program has decent numbers and I"m in the mood for information today.

Like I said, I have never sold one product as an affiliate marketer for Clickbank... but if you're in the same mood I'm in, here is a link to the product. I am buying it right now, and I hope to review it later.

Remember, buying from a major marketer like clickbank should alleviate some of your concerns about buying online. Every program I've ever seen on clickbank has had a money back guarantee, and this one is no exception. You can rest assured that if the information is lacking, repetitive, or useless.. and I believe I'm an expert.. I will be taking advantage of the no questions asked refund.

The Panic Puzzle. Here is the link. Click Here!
(You are not buying by clicking. You are only going to the landing page. Check it out, see what you think. Even if you don't buy it, let me know what you think of what it offers.)

If you buy it please let me know. I'm happy to have my first guest post, maybe you can review it!! That would be awesome.

PS. Yes, it is kind of expensive. More than a book, but a LOT less than my adventures in therapy and medical appointments. It also has a money back guarantee. And honestly, if it does make me better then its worth every penny and more, and if it doesn't do as it claims then I deserve my money back as stated. Except for losing access to my money for a few weeks, I'd say thats NO RISK.

The Anxiety Conundrum

Funny how with all the information available to us, we still have the hardest time healing ourselves. I was reading a friends dieting blog and it really stuck out that Anxiety is very similar.

People who are overweight very often are the first to know that they are eating too much. They know they're eating too much, and more than a few try to justify their eating, or blame their overweight condition on other factors.

Anxiety is the same way. I know what I'm feeling is irrational. I know there is no basis for how I feel except for psychological patterns I've established while in fear.

Right now it is raining with thunder and my greyhound is absolutely flipping out. Shaking so hard you think he's going to break, panting, drooling.. basically a panic attack. I know the thunder and rain is not going to hurt him. The rain and thunder has never hurt him. But at some time he has built an association of great fear to these factors, and it never lets him down. :(

So what happened to cause that situation in myself?

I am not sure what initiated the first instance for me, and that is probably a topic for textbooks and courses of study, but I think it boils down to heridity, personality type, and stressful circumstances just to name a few.

But I'm talking about perpetuation a situation that we know is false and harmful to our enjoyment of life. Here's how I know I built my own walls. Initially I was under great duress and panicked. Well, it's called the fight or flight response, and my personality is to flight. (Not an easy thing for a man to admit, and probably why the instance of Anxiety and Panic are not as high in men as in women... women are smarter!)
Well as you know, panic attacks are limited. If you don't fully understand this you need to know. Once you know that they cannot hurt you, and will not last forever (15 minutes usually) you've gained very important knowledge that will help you understand and defeat what is happening.
I have wandered, but here is what I believe happens to strengthen and TRICK you into this disease. You FLEE the situation, and of course your symptoms relax... both by leaving the dangerous situation(real OR imagined), plus your spike of bodily chemicals begins to burn off immediately (the 15 minute rule), and you feel better, RELIEF.

Your body physiology, and mental psychology will associate RELIEF with FLIGHT. Do this exercise a few thousand times and you've built yourself one serious problem.
Obviously I think the way out is the reverse of the way in. I'm going to have to stick myself right back in these situations and react to them differently, even if I have to fake it initially. And trust me, I do not think its going to be easy or fun.

The thing is, I could help myself immensely if I would think just that, FUN.. even if I have to convince myself the opposite of what I'm now naturally inclined to think... if you can call a false belief and reactionary system natural.

So, if like me, you've created a world, possibly an agoraphobic world, where you feel "ok" and are getting by.. you need to know that you're being TRICKED. If you are avoiding, fleeing, rationalizing, making deals.. etc (you know who you are) and not living the life you want to live, then no matter how you feel at the moment you are STILL under the effects of Anxiety and Panic Disorder. This has been the biggest realization for me in the beginning phases of treatment. Remember, I just thought I was high strung, and everything I avoided made me feel better. If you called me out on my avoidance, I had TONS of rationalizations! (excuses)

So when you're feeling that "tingle".. I know it sucks.. I know it is scary.. and even if you think you can't make it... try making it for another 2 or 3 minutes. I'm telling you that chemically you're already starting to feel better if you'd just pause a minute. Panic is a RIGHT NOW thing, because when it's legitimate, you need to act RIGHT NOW. But in situations you KNOW are not dangerous, you can afford to just sit and feel the excitement. Think of a roller coaster. The feeling of excitement and fear are almost identical! You'll find that the longer you continue the easier it will be. So just let it happen for a few minutes. Just one or two.. then since you're there, and feeling better, try one or two more.

I know its not that easy. I've known a lot of this for many years. The tricks my body plays on me are just the things I think I'm scared of the most. (passing out, mostly.. early on it was heart attacks) And try as I might, terrified is just something that's hard to give 2 or 3 minutes time to go away. But I know I'm going to have to... There are coping skills. I know some, and I hope to learn more, and I'll blog about them as I go.

Hopefully I"m helping or entertaining you.. someone.. helloo? Is this thing on?

Still optimistic... Very Optimistic today. Still no medical appointment, so no meds in the immediate future... and still optimistic. Will be challenging myself later today.. looking forward to it!!! (said almost with a straight face. )

Hang in there.

Focusing on Panic Attacks and Anxiety

One of the reasons it has taken me so long to seek professional assistance is because of the ability I have of seeing my problem so clearly.

Now I know I can't see a chemical imbalance, but I see my part in creating it. (If there is in fact one present)

A perfect example is my last 4 days. I had a situation that created swelling around my tailbone and put an enormous amount of pressure around and on my sciatic nerve. I must say that it was one of the most painful 48 hours I have ever had. I passed a stone once, did it at home in my bathroom in the wee hours of the night, and it was awful but only lasted 3 hours. I think maybe this pain was slightly less sharp but the endurance and power it had over me was incredible.

Firstly.. I handled it. I have no idea what my anxiety could ever convince me to be afraid of when I handled the worst pain I can even imagine.

But more interestingly, I had a very low incidence of anxiety and panic during this 48 hours... and I believe it is wholly related to my focus during this time. I just didn't have the time to work up a good panic attack or stir up a good anxiety stew.

I've always been able to kind of seperate myself, get that view of myself, and I sit and watch myself conjure anxiety and panic from situations that I've decided are going to cause me problems. The catch.. I can't stop it. It's like I accept a rule that I wrote, even though I know its wrong and I'm the author and can change it.

Just my thought this weekend.. other than OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUCH.

Wondered what anyone else thinks of Focus and the part it may or may not play in this wonderful disease.

Online help for Anxiety and Panic Disorder - FREE FRIDAYS

This will be my very first FREE FRIDAY!!!

I know a lot of my blog is about my finally asking for help and entering counseling and medical intervention. Also remember that I have dealt with this disorder for approximately 15 years and have for a majority of the time been "high functioning". That is my term, and by high functioning I mean that I do get out of my house, I do work occasionally, and I have pursued a small amount of happiness on occasion. I was even in a 10 year relationship with a VERY understanding woman. But I do have the symptoms of anxiety and panic at all times, which is frustrating and depressing and makes everything so difficult, not to mention exhausting.

So even though I've finally decided to take a home run swing at this crap, my circumstances may have been, and may still be, very similar to yours. I didn't have, and still do not have medical insurance. I also had, and still have, some reservations about taking the medications associated with these disorders. So I got by on INFORMATION. I read everything I could get my hands on, I watched every informational video I could find online, and I even purchased a few "programs" available online. Ultimately I believe this is a thinking disorder, or more correctly an improper thinking disorder, so anything you can do about your state of mind, and your depth of knowledge will most certainly help you in your condition.

So today I am going to mention something called "The Anxiety Bible".
It is available online at a free site and I'm sure you can find it. I am not sure about linking/back linking and other web tactics at this time and I prefer to play it safe. If you can't find it drop me an email and I'll give you the URL.

The first step of the "Bible". COUNSELING
I have just started this path myself. It can be very expensive but it won't last forever. Also there are programs to assist people with low incomes and no insurance. Also, who knows whats in store with the US's new health insurance laws. I will say that I felt the stigma of visiting a "Mental Health Center" but it has quickly passed. Though I'm in the very beginning, the weight off my shoulders opening up to an experience and respected counselor is noticeable and I am optimistic.

Step Two. EXERCISE
Talk about a whole other blog! Haha. I am lucky in that I am not out of shape, and by that I mean bodily shape! I am height and weight proportional. But physically I have a low amount of strength, energy, and stamina. You don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I've thought about and tried to start an exercise regimen. With anxiety disorder it is even harder because breathing hard and struggling is a precursor some a lot of sufferers panic attacks. The reasons for this are too many to post in a single post, maybe even an entire blog, but besides the obvious long term health benefits you will be BURNING OFF excess energy, the fuel of anxiety.

Step Three. DIET
Talk about an entirely blog worth subject. Again I will sidestep the obvious benefits because I'm sure you know but there are a few key diet tips for anxiety sufferers. First and most important... NO CAFFEINE EVER. I have practiced this tip for about 16 months and without doubt lowered my anxiety levels and increased my health. If I forget how much difference it makes (I was addicted to Pepsi Cola) I soon remember when I accidentally ingest something high in caffeine. ZOOOOM, right into an anxious buzz. Also obviously try to reduced processed foods and foods with the increasingly evil HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. Again, I'm not a dietician but I'm sure it can only help.

Step Four, final step for today. MEDICATION
Like I said above, I had and still have reservations about the medications prescribed for these disorders. But along with reaching step one, I've reached this step. I know that I said I believe my anxiety is a thinking disorder, I also know the power of my mind. Right or wrong, it creates what I tell it to create. (Can you imagine developing better control and creating only spectacular things?) Well, I consider my thought patterns like a groove in a record and I've dug a very deep groove. I plan to use the medication as a tool to help me step out of this groove and see the alternatives I've been missing. And if you're wondering how this might affect you... then follow me, or join my blog, or whatever they call it. I intend to document my entire journey out of this damn rut!

The difference between a rut and a grave is only a few feet. (attributed to a lot of people so forgive my lack of credit)

Lets get out of this damn rut.

Who wants to do some P90X? I bought this program in December. I've attempted 2 or 3 workouts. This needs to change. Email or comment and kick me in the butt!

Anxiety or Panic Attacks

I had my first therapy session this past week. I'm optimistic about beating this disease and felt pretty good just unloading on someone for an hour.

One thing we talked about was Panic Attacks and Anxiety. It ends up that now I think I am having Panic Attacks when originally I thought I was having high anxiety. I'm not saying theres much difference, but I think I was assuming my normal state was...well, normal, and I was having anxiety when I got amped up.

I think now that I'm normally in a high anxiety state, and I'm having panic attacks when I'm 'amped up'.

I felt really good after therapy. My mind was relaxed and distracted, and feeling positively and optimistic. It only lasted an hour or two but was very enlightening.

I have another talk session next week, and I am expecting a call back from a medical facility regarding an evaluation session for possibly being prescribed some medications to help get this show on the road!

Well, I have some other thoughts from just the first hour of therapy and I have an interesting question I'll post about tomorrow, or early this week.

The difference between cured and tricked.

In reading and watching youtube presentations about Anxiety, Panic, and Depression (because lets face it, I chickened out on making my appointment YET again) I came across another young guy touting his success as beating these "tigers" and giving some good advice, while holding back enough to have a "program" for sale.

One of his freebies was NO CAFFEINE.. and I've been a believer and practicer of this for about a year.

Another was the very simple idea of "Be OK with whatever happens". I have had this idea FOREVER. Mostly out of frustration, you naturally get to your "F-IT" threshold. And I'll tell you, it works... somewhat, and temporarily.

So I had occasion to get excited yesterday and I start thinking... I don't care, whatever, screw it.. etc. And it works. It staves off a panic attack or any higher anxiety pretty decently. But I got to thinking some more, and decided that I'm FAKING. I'm forcing myself into a 'I don't care' attitude because I'm still resisting panic and anxiety, yet though I fake, it is working quite decently.

So if not caring WORKS.. real or implied.. How can you get to where you REALLY don't care? You know, like we all used to be, before the "Tiger" caught us. Because really, I was just forcing this idea because I am still afraid of panic and anxiety. I can see the other side from here. How do you get to a TRUE no fear, no worries type situation? For now I guess I will keep with "Fake it to Make it" and see if I can start a new habit.

What do you think?