Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip its been...

Truckin. The Grateful Dead.  Thanks for the title.

But you ever just have weird moments.

Yesterday I'm talking about staying home and wondering if its the right thing to do.. was I staying home because it was my birthday, or because like any good neurosis owner I am great at justifying actions that support my anxieties with what I believe are legitimate non avoidance reasons.

But damn, today its raining and I really don't have any work to do.. and I can't believe as a semi sorta sometimes agoraphobic that I'm going freaking NUTZ sitting at home.  I am going to HAVE TO get out of this house this afternoon, even though I'm going to play poker later. (Another anxiety producing situation.. crammed in a basement with 18-24 other guys I don't know, though thankfully I love poker and often battle through..  and yes, I realize this is another AHA moment in and of itself)

Can you believe that?   

What a long strange trip indeed...

Birthday Blog Post.

Happy Birthday to me.... etc.

But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?

I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!

And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.

Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,

Yea, I saw what you wrote... it was just you being you.  I knew what you meant and suggest that you quit worrying about you just being yourself. Thats a form of anxiety. You are fine who you are, you are fine when you're "juiced up" (our anxiety and panicky term) and you're fine when you're not!

 And I'm like.. DAMN. (not only is she awesome, but she's exactly right)

On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.

But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,

... if you just be yourself at all times, then people that don't get you, will probably never get you, and then you'll just know.

Awesome.

And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.

So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....

(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)

Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Setbacks

So, I really had a few crappy weeks. Anxiety pushing through my meds, even some near panic situations.. arguably a few notches less than before, but uncomfortable and disablingly frustrating for sure.

Had some counseling yesterday and was givin this poem by Portia Nelson.

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

END

I like it. I like how fault changes. I like how time in the hole changes. I like the awareness that comes alive.

I think I'm somewhere in stanza II. I pretend I don't see the hole, I fall in, and it still takes time to get out. It pisses me off, but I need to chill because its not my fault. I also see stanza III coming. I want to accept fault, I want to fight the habit, and I want to learn to get out immediately.

I can't wait to walk down another street....

What I think about the "hanging on of my mind" to anxiety and panic attacks

Yesterday I wrote of the feelings I'm having as anxiety medications work their magic on me, yet my mind and habits still put up the good fight to remain in their old ways. In fact, I find that as I get a little used to the meds, the brain is adapting and can in fact cause a little anxiety.. luckily not so much as to create a panic attack.. thank you Xanax.. but definitely anxious thoughts and hesitation to do things that cause me these feelings, now and in the past.

One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.

But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.

Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.

Have a great day.

Dave

Hanging on to Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Ok, so I'm a month into anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.

A little longer on the cognitive therapy.

And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.

That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.

And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.

I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.

As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.

I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.

But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.

Is anybody out there? :)

Increase your Anxiety and Panic knowledge

because knowledge is power.

And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.

That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.

Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.

If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.

Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!






Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment

Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia


Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!

Best to you.

PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.

To call or not to call..

Of course I haven't called to get an appointment with the local mental health office yet.

I did spend about 2 hours on the internet reading about the different anxiety medications and how they worked, what the side effects might be, and etc.

Also I keep going back to the "programs" that are available. Has anyone tried any of these?

The one is Panic Away. Tons of people are selling this on affiliate programs. It looks ok, but of course they each pan each other so you don't know.

The other is The Linden Method. Seems a little more meaty, gives a little more information before you buy, but I'm not sure I believe any program that talks about such quick relief.

I found a 3rd program last night by searching youtube. I don't know the name but one of the guys URLs is ILOVEPANIC.com I think. He is a Belgian who has recovered from Anxiety and depression. Of course he has ALL the symptoms I have, and seems like he's talking JUST TO ME. Then I think..why wouldnt he? He's trying to sell me a program.

Has anyone used any of these? I do know that by just listening to a couple hours of advice and sales pitches, I do feel a little better and like I can brain-muscle my way out of this. Or should I just get the help?

I know that I don't have any readers, but here's hoping the right person comes along at the right time.

Maybe today.... I have the number out.