Thoughts on where I am... which isn't too bad by the way.. but its work.

So I'm a few months into meds, and therapy, for my anxiety and stuff.  (Ok, stuff is a bad search word, so I have Anxiety with Panic Disorder.. see that google!?)

I'm doing pretty good.  I had a counseling session where I reported 2 weeks worth of "work" and my counselor was impressed.  I had really stretched my boundaries for a change.  (And not without some sweat, anxiety, and stress)

A couple things.  First off MEDS..  (ok, another bad search word.  I take Lexapro, and Xanax, ie alprazolam)   One time I was on Zoloft.  Not for long, I didnt feel it doing anything so I stopped... not to mention I didn't have a prescription for it.  But some of my close friends and family thought that it in fact was changing my disposition.  So here on the Lexapro I feel the same way. I don't feel like its doing too much.. but because of the above mentioned experience with Zoloft, AND because I have a prescription this time, I shall continue down that path.   The Xanax I like for now.  I certainly don't want to get addicted but as my nurse said, that is the least of your problems considering your lack of a life due to obsessive anxiety. 
I also trust that I can handle the moment it is time to say goodbye to them.  See, I had a bad week or so, and I was so upset after a fine month that I kind of got weak and asked if I could take MORE Xanax as necessary.  Of course this was approved, but then I got ahold of myself and started having progress and I've actually taken less Xanax than Im already prescribed.   So I'll be good on the meds I think.



As for the cognitive therapy, its going well.  I like my therapist.  I don't know whats coming in the future but right now she just acts as my sounding board, and gives me little hints to help my struggles, and hints at where my exposure will be heading once I have a better grip on my fear and fear response. 
One strange thing, she gave me a book to read, if Amazon has it I will link it, but the anxiety part of it talks a lot about NON  medication assisted therapy, yet I'm on the medication.  Kind of confusing but very interesting none the less so I can see why she wanted me to have the information. 

Also a book I picked up by coincidence was a great help.  It is by Victor Frankl, I will link it, and I highly suggest it to anyone, anxiety or not. 

So, sorry for the mind-dump.  I've been really busy with some work, both for money, and on myself.  This is what occupies my mind at the moment.   Whats on your mind?

You know whats weird?

Awareness.

I went to a poker game last night.. and that's quite a bit for me really.  I don't know if you've ever sat at a poker table in a poker room surrounding.  Its kind of crowded, little stuffy, loud, tons of action and lots of things to focus on.  But I still like playing poker, and I went with one of my "safe" friends (you anxiety folks know what I mean) so I thought I'd give it a try. 

I've been surprising myself a little lately, even after the horrible week I had the previous week, I'd call this week a definite plus.. maybe a 7 out of 10.  Ten not being normal by any means.. 10 being what I'd call a good week of working on myself.  (Ok, maybe an 8 to 8.5.  I did work several days, and actually went and had dinner with an internet friend of mine.  That alone is worth a point and a half)

But back to awareness.  Sometimes when I'm really into something, like poker, or internet friends, I can completely forget all that back ground buzz of anxiety and panic in my head.   Also, I felt like I wanted to be fully alert so I didnt fall back on the Xanax for an added cushion.. though  did up-dose for the internet "meeting".
Well, I didnt do all that well at poker.  I was all over the board with my thoughts and obsessions.  I didn't concentrate on the flow of the game.. I couldnt keep my eyes looking down, I certainly couldnt keep my mouth shut (nervous chatter has always been one of my anxiety barometers),  and really stayed in a very keyed up state of being, both physically and mentally. Barometrically speaking I don't know if I am HIGH pressure during that time, because thats usually clear skies, or LOW pressure because thats stormy and out of control.. but I was on an edge one way or the other.

What was weird though was that I could see it going on, like I was witnessing myself.  Weirder that I couldn't stop it.. like a huge ball rolling down hill, even though I clearly and obviously saw the entire process controlling me.  In a way, the fact that I was observing was keeping me from blowing a fuse, though I clearly was not comfortable, in a way I was participating in my event, instead of just riding through it.

That just has me weirded out.. not so much in a bad way.   Is this a start of how you get better?   In a way I wasn't scared, though I certainly was miles from comfortable.  I'm trying not to beat myself up over the "loss" of not being able to concentrate (I  made a few bad plays, and in poker thats all it takes), the loss of not being able to control something I saw happening, and just be happy that I did it, I did it short of meds, and I guess happy for the strange observers point from where I watched the entire evening.

Well, thats whats weird to me... today.

BTW.. I don't know if it was a cumulative stress release, or the lack of the Xanax dose in the evening, but I could not sleep for 80% of the night due to over active mind and happy legs, my legs felt like they had TnT in them and I couldnt hold still to save my ass.  Again, is that good or bad?   I built all that up, yet functioned, even if poorly... and then released it through nervous thought and energy right away...  as I feel pretty base line this morning.  Weird I tell ya... interesting weird.

Lately it occurs to me, what a long strange trip its been...

Truckin. The Grateful Dead.  Thanks for the title.

But you ever just have weird moments.

Yesterday I'm talking about staying home and wondering if its the right thing to do.. was I staying home because it was my birthday, or because like any good neurosis owner I am great at justifying actions that support my anxieties with what I believe are legitimate non avoidance reasons.

But damn, today its raining and I really don't have any work to do.. and I can't believe as a semi sorta sometimes agoraphobic that I'm going freaking NUTZ sitting at home.  I am going to HAVE TO get out of this house this afternoon, even though I'm going to play poker later. (Another anxiety producing situation.. crammed in a basement with 18-24 other guys I don't know, though thankfully I love poker and often battle through..  and yes, I realize this is another AHA moment in and of itself)

Can you believe that?   

What a long strange trip indeed...

Birthday Blog Post.

Happy Birthday to me.... etc.

But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?

I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!

And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.

Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,

Yea, I saw what you wrote... it was just you being you.  I knew what you meant and suggest that you quit worrying about you just being yourself. Thats a form of anxiety. You are fine who you are, you are fine when you're "juiced up" (our anxiety and panicky term) and you're fine when you're not!

 And I'm like.. DAMN. (not only is she awesome, but she's exactly right)

On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.

But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,

... if you just be yourself at all times, then people that don't get you, will probably never get you, and then you'll just know.

Awesome.

And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.

So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....

(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)

Better times.. rebounding from Anxiety recovery setbacks

Well, I'm happy to report that I seem to have recovered to at least what I'd call a base line.. or simply that although I'm certainly far from recovery, I'm back in control, feeling decent, and eager to get back to work on recovery.

The shift that I'm happy to have made over the past week is that I'm doing more things that cause me anxiety and panic type reactions. Now, does this mean that I'm cured.. HALLELUJAH.. nah, not even close. Actually I am mostly dealing with anxiety thoughts, hurrying through things, not concentrating on the moment as much as concentrating getting finished, but the difference is that I'm taking the action and all healing has to start there.

An example is in the simple (to most people) trip to the car wash. I got my butt, and my dirty ride, down there finally and got to scrubbing. But half way through I realized I was drenched with sweat and my throat was parched. I had to slow down a second and evaluate what was going on. What I discovered was that I was going through this task like it was an Olympic sport... fast and furious. Then of course the realization of breathing hard, sweating, parched throat just added to the anxiety but I kept on going.
Now, it's easy to think of this as a failure because the entire nature of the beast is not feeling like this. These are the feelings that the whole disease is centered around and what your avoidance is created to avoid.
But that's not the deal. Life isn't always going to be easy.. and surely I don't mean that getting excited at the carwash is normal, but my point is that sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Which is often what an anxious person will not do. Which has been me.. for a LONG time.

So I'm trying to look at it as a progress. I did what I wouldnt normally do. So thats a WIN.

I had a few wins this week, and each one was WORK, let me tell you. But the work was done, and hopefully those muscles get back in shape, and I can learn to get back in the moment, and out of the 'what ifs'.

The thing I think I need to work on in my mind is that it took 10 years to get here, getting home isn't going to be a quick trip. (though hopefully less than 10 yrs. But if it does.. if I can embrace the trip then so be it)

I guess I can accept that... eventually. :)

Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Setbacks

So, I really had a few crappy weeks. Anxiety pushing through my meds, even some near panic situations.. arguably a few notches less than before, but uncomfortable and disablingly frustrating for sure.

Had some counseling yesterday and was givin this poem by Portia Nelson.

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

END

I like it. I like how fault changes. I like how time in the hole changes. I like the awareness that comes alive.

I think I'm somewhere in stanza II. I pretend I don't see the hole, I fall in, and it still takes time to get out. It pisses me off, but I need to chill because its not my fault. I also see stanza III coming. I want to accept fault, I want to fight the habit, and I want to learn to get out immediately.

I can't wait to walk down another street....

Self Defeating Goals

It has been suggested to me, and I have read time and again on internet anxiety self help sights, that having self defeating goals can be counter productive. This is one of my main issues.

Thoughts:
"I've got to find a way to get rid of these feelings".

Feelings:
Anxiety about feeling anxious.

Actions:
Avoiding situations perceived as anxiety producers or staying in "safe" situations.

This is information I found on the internet that helped a little, though I am exhausted lately. I had a "honeymoon" of sorts getting into therapy finally.. and I wonder now if I'm in the post honeymoon state and feeling tired, defeated, hopeless, etc.

Anyways, I came across this list of self defeating goals and sadly I think I'm guilty of all in some way or another, some I'm WHOLLY guilty.

◦Trying to be perfect right now. Perfection is not possible during the few short years we live on this earth.
◦Trying to control anxiety. Anxiety is viewed as the enemy rather than as a healthy warning signal that something in your life can be improved.
◦Trying to avoid situations believed to be responsible for undesirable emotions such as shopping centers, freeways, bridges, or elevators. This shifts responsibility for solutions away from yourself to the environment, which cannot always be controlled.
◦Trying to control people or situations you cannot really control. By doing this you are mentally hitting your head against the wall.
◦Trying to find relief through another person's presence. This shifts responsibility for solutions away from yourself to others. Promotes unhealthy dependency.

It's overwhelming... when I started this I thought I needed a little help to get over a few things. It's eye-opening to realize how many wrong thought patterns I have and how shallow my actual life has become.

Anyways, had a shitty long weekend. Hoping for a NON shitty week. Started a good book yesterday. Check it out.



Salud