Truckin. The Grateful Dead. Thanks for the title.
But you ever just have weird moments.
Yesterday I'm talking about staying home and wondering if its the right thing to do.. was I staying home because it was my birthday, or because like any good neurosis owner I am great at justifying actions that support my anxieties with what I believe are legitimate non avoidance reasons.
But damn, today its raining and I really don't have any work to do.. and I can't believe as a semi sorta sometimes agoraphobic that I'm going freaking NUTZ sitting at home. I am going to HAVE TO get out of this house this afternoon, even though I'm going to play poker later. (Another anxiety producing situation.. crammed in a basement with 18-24 other guys I don't know, though thankfully I love poker and often battle through.. and yes, I realize this is another AHA moment in and of itself)
Can you believe that?
What a long strange trip indeed...
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Birthday Blog Post.
Happy Birthday to me.... etc.
But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?
I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!
And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.
Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,
On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.
But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,
And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.
So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....
(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)
But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?
I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!
And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.
Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,
Yea, I saw what you wrote... it was just you being you. I knew what you meant and suggest that you quit worrying about you just being yourself. Thats a form of anxiety. You are fine who you are, you are fine when you're "juiced up" (our anxiety and panicky term) and you're fine when you're not!And I'm like.. DAMN. (not only is she awesome, but she's exactly right)
On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.
But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,
... if you just be yourself at all times, then people that don't get you, will probably never get you, and then you'll just know.Awesome.
And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.
So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....
(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Better times.. rebounding from Anxiety recovery setbacks
Well, I'm happy to report that I seem to have recovered to at least what I'd call a base line.. or simply that although I'm certainly far from recovery, I'm back in control, feeling decent, and eager to get back to work on recovery.
The shift that I'm happy to have made over the past week is that I'm doing more things that cause me anxiety and panic type reactions. Now, does this mean that I'm cured.. HALLELUJAH.. nah, not even close. Actually I am mostly dealing with anxiety thoughts, hurrying through things, not concentrating on the moment as much as concentrating getting finished, but the difference is that I'm taking the action and all healing has to start there.
An example is in the simple (to most people) trip to the car wash. I got my butt, and my dirty ride, down there finally and got to scrubbing. But half way through I realized I was drenched with sweat and my throat was parched. I had to slow down a second and evaluate what was going on. What I discovered was that I was going through this task like it was an Olympic sport... fast and furious. Then of course the realization of breathing hard, sweating, parched throat just added to the anxiety but I kept on going.
Now, it's easy to think of this as a failure because the entire nature of the beast is not feeling like this. These are the feelings that the whole disease is centered around and what your avoidance is created to avoid.
But that's not the deal. Life isn't always going to be easy.. and surely I don't mean that getting excited at the carwash is normal, but my point is that sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Which is often what an anxious person will not do. Which has been me.. for a LONG time.
So I'm trying to look at it as a progress. I did what I wouldnt normally do. So thats a WIN.
I had a few wins this week, and each one was WORK, let me tell you. But the work was done, and hopefully those muscles get back in shape, and I can learn to get back in the moment, and out of the 'what ifs'.
The thing I think I need to work on in my mind is that it took 10 years to get here, getting home isn't going to be a quick trip. (though hopefully less than 10 yrs. But if it does.. if I can embrace the trip then so be it)
I guess I can accept that... eventually. :)
The shift that I'm happy to have made over the past week is that I'm doing more things that cause me anxiety and panic type reactions. Now, does this mean that I'm cured.. HALLELUJAH.. nah, not even close. Actually I am mostly dealing with anxiety thoughts, hurrying through things, not concentrating on the moment as much as concentrating getting finished, but the difference is that I'm taking the action and all healing has to start there.
An example is in the simple (to most people) trip to the car wash. I got my butt, and my dirty ride, down there finally and got to scrubbing. But half way through I realized I was drenched with sweat and my throat was parched. I had to slow down a second and evaluate what was going on. What I discovered was that I was going through this task like it was an Olympic sport... fast and furious. Then of course the realization of breathing hard, sweating, parched throat just added to the anxiety but I kept on going.
Now, it's easy to think of this as a failure because the entire nature of the beast is not feeling like this. These are the feelings that the whole disease is centered around and what your avoidance is created to avoid.
But that's not the deal. Life isn't always going to be easy.. and surely I don't mean that getting excited at the carwash is normal, but my point is that sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Which is often what an anxious person will not do. Which has been me.. for a LONG time.
So I'm trying to look at it as a progress. I did what I wouldnt normally do. So thats a WIN.
I had a few wins this week, and each one was WORK, let me tell you. But the work was done, and hopefully those muscles get back in shape, and I can learn to get back in the moment, and out of the 'what ifs'.
The thing I think I need to work on in my mind is that it took 10 years to get here, getting home isn't going to be a quick trip. (though hopefully less than 10 yrs. But if it does.. if I can embrace the trip then so be it)
I guess I can accept that... eventually. :)
Friday, May 28, 2010
Doing the work, Attacking and beating anxiety and panic attack disorder
It's as simple as that. You need to do the work.
I remember my first appointment. If you have this disease, and/or a little agoraphobia, you can imagine how hard it was to go through it. Of course I had to have someone take me, and even that only made it possible, not any more comfortable.
But I had a short ecstatic feeling afterwards. An "I did it" moment. And it actually feels good to get these problems out in the open to people who want to help you. But I'll be honest... the moment was brief... the first time. But each time it gets easier and easier, and the success feelings last longer and longer. I actually went to my last appointment ALONE.. and afterwards stopped by the drugstore for some supplies.. And I felt pretty good about it.
But other than that, I'm not doing the work. And the reverse is happening to me. I"m actually frustrated, anxious, and depressed because I'm not doing the work. And its just that first bump in the road.... like the first Dr. appt that I felt I could hardly get through. But just like finally going on my own, this is exactly what work I need to get done. Get through these things that cause fear. One 'appointment' at a time until each place is comfortable.
If you're agoraphobic then hopefully you have safe people like me that are willing to help. If not, then just do a little bit. Don't set yourself up to fail.. but just go out and feel some pressure. Like a work out. Feel the burn. Examine it, feel it, but don't push it. And that's your work for the day. And do it again tomorrow!
Do the work... even if you have to put everything else out of your mind. I'm having trouble with that one too. I have so much to do, need to make money, need have things done to my car, etc etc etc.. But I need to get better or none of those things will matter.
That seems kind of like a dire thing to say, but I'm starting to think that's the way you need to look at it. I hung on to the last rung of the ladder, just above dire, for so many years.. and it kept me from getting help. Not until I felt like I had no other choice did I do what I had to do. Make it dire that you do a little work today.. and every day. Its not easy, but the funny thing is, it does get easier. And if you've been stuck for a long time like me.. it gets easier in SMALL increments. But don't let it get you down. After awhile it actually gets hard to NOT do something every day.
This is where I feel myself.. the frustration has changed to where if I don't do some work, I'll be down on myself..so today I'm going to do a little work.
I remember my first appointment. If you have this disease, and/or a little agoraphobia, you can imagine how hard it was to go through it. Of course I had to have someone take me, and even that only made it possible, not any more comfortable.
But I had a short ecstatic feeling afterwards. An "I did it" moment. And it actually feels good to get these problems out in the open to people who want to help you. But I'll be honest... the moment was brief... the first time. But each time it gets easier and easier, and the success feelings last longer and longer. I actually went to my last appointment ALONE.. and afterwards stopped by the drugstore for some supplies.. And I felt pretty good about it.
But other than that, I'm not doing the work. And the reverse is happening to me. I"m actually frustrated, anxious, and depressed because I'm not doing the work. And its just that first bump in the road.... like the first Dr. appt that I felt I could hardly get through. But just like finally going on my own, this is exactly what work I need to get done. Get through these things that cause fear. One 'appointment' at a time until each place is comfortable.
If you're agoraphobic then hopefully you have safe people like me that are willing to help. If not, then just do a little bit. Don't set yourself up to fail.. but just go out and feel some pressure. Like a work out. Feel the burn. Examine it, feel it, but don't push it. And that's your work for the day. And do it again tomorrow!
Do the work... even if you have to put everything else out of your mind. I'm having trouble with that one too. I have so much to do, need to make money, need have things done to my car, etc etc etc.. But I need to get better or none of those things will matter.
That seems kind of like a dire thing to say, but I'm starting to think that's the way you need to look at it. I hung on to the last rung of the ladder, just above dire, for so many years.. and it kept me from getting help. Not until I felt like I had no other choice did I do what I had to do. Make it dire that you do a little work today.. and every day. Its not easy, but the funny thing is, it does get easier. And if you've been stuck for a long time like me.. it gets easier in SMALL increments. But don't let it get you down. After awhile it actually gets hard to NOT do something every day.
This is where I feel myself.. the frustration has changed to where if I don't do some work, I'll be down on myself..so today I'm going to do a little work.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
What I think about the "hanging on of my mind" to anxiety and panic attacks
Yesterday I wrote of the feelings I'm having as anxiety medications work their magic on me, yet my mind and habits still put up the good fight to remain in their old ways. In fact, I find that as I get a little used to the meds, the brain is adapting and can in fact cause a little anxiety.. luckily not so much as to create a panic attack.. thank you Xanax.. but definitely anxious thoughts and hesitation to do things that cause me these feelings, now and in the past.
One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.
But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.
Have a great day.
Dave
One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.
But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.
Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.
Have a great day.
Dave
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Hanging on to Anxiety and Panic Attacks
Ok, so I'm a month into anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.
A little longer on the cognitive therapy.
And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.
That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.
And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.
I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.
As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.
I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.
But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.
Is anybody out there? :)
A little longer on the cognitive therapy.
And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.
That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.
And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.
I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.
As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.
I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.
But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.
Is anybody out there? :)
Monday, May 17, 2010
Anxiety Medications and Anti Depressants
Ok..so I posted my "sorry I was gone post", and I feel pretty decent today... for a guy who can't walk, and I want to get back to business.
I've been on Lexapro for about 3 full weeks now. And during this time I've been taking .5 of Xanax, 3 times a day.
First off.. I do not feel drugged, though I am sleeping a little more than I used to. I make no excuses.. being anxious will flat wear you out.
I don't even feel the slightest bit unclear in my ability to think or operate.
What I have been feeling is an inability to get stressed out, freaked out, or just downright get down on myself. In fact, talking to a friend about "Woe is me".. I finally decide to get medical help for my Anxiety and Panic Disorder, now I get this Skin infection.. wah wah wah.. and what I finally said was "And what sucks is I can't get really depressed because of the damn meds" Hahaha.
Talk about taking one smack between the eyes. And that's how it's been.
Also being an agoraphobic person in varying degrees, I'm finding that it's more difficult to "honor" my minds desire to ramp me up about things. I feel it, I'm aware of it's thinking patterns, and that part of me WANTS to go through the actions it's so accustomed to taking. Problem is, I can't physically produce the symptoms. I did almost take about 10 breaths that were those anxious types. I was home alone, dealing with all this pain of the staph infection, it was late, and I just needed to have a panic attack. I was doing the normal thinking patterns. All the outward necessities were met.. and somehow being the strong person I think I am, I worked up about 10 anxious breaths. You know.. too long.. too close together... too deep.. too forced. And that was it.
I rolled over, watched TV until I fell asleep, and woke up nice and refreshed at 5:30 to find my room mate in bed. I didn't count down the minutes until he returned, I didn't even notice his return.
I'm really pissed at this damn staph infection when I finally decide to deal with my major mental issues. But I'm very happy about how the medication is working, and how I'm aware of my minds efforts to contribute to my old ways. I honestly think I'm going to be able to get this!
So there's my 3 week report. A lot better than I ever thought 3 weeks could be... remember in week 1, I really thought I was wasting my time.
Stick with it. Just Do It!
Btw, found this interesting fellow posting on youtube.com about anxiety, and I like what he says and how he says it. If you want a link, drop me a line or a comment and I'll get back to you.
I've been on Lexapro for about 3 full weeks now. And during this time I've been taking .5 of Xanax, 3 times a day.
First off.. I do not feel drugged, though I am sleeping a little more than I used to. I make no excuses.. being anxious will flat wear you out.
I don't even feel the slightest bit unclear in my ability to think or operate.
What I have been feeling is an inability to get stressed out, freaked out, or just downright get down on myself. In fact, talking to a friend about "Woe is me".. I finally decide to get medical help for my Anxiety and Panic Disorder, now I get this Skin infection.. wah wah wah.. and what I finally said was "And what sucks is I can't get really depressed because of the damn meds" Hahaha.
Talk about taking one smack between the eyes. And that's how it's been.
Also being an agoraphobic person in varying degrees, I'm finding that it's more difficult to "honor" my minds desire to ramp me up about things. I feel it, I'm aware of it's thinking patterns, and that part of me WANTS to go through the actions it's so accustomed to taking. Problem is, I can't physically produce the symptoms. I did almost take about 10 breaths that were those anxious types. I was home alone, dealing with all this pain of the staph infection, it was late, and I just needed to have a panic attack. I was doing the normal thinking patterns. All the outward necessities were met.. and somehow being the strong person I think I am, I worked up about 10 anxious breaths. You know.. too long.. too close together... too deep.. too forced. And that was it.
I rolled over, watched TV until I fell asleep, and woke up nice and refreshed at 5:30 to find my room mate in bed. I didn't count down the minutes until he returned, I didn't even notice his return.
I'm really pissed at this damn staph infection when I finally decide to deal with my major mental issues. But I'm very happy about how the medication is working, and how I'm aware of my minds efforts to contribute to my old ways. I honestly think I'm going to be able to get this!
So there's my 3 week report. A lot better than I ever thought 3 weeks could be... remember in week 1, I really thought I was wasting my time.
Stick with it. Just Do It!
Btw, found this interesting fellow posting on youtube.com about anxiety, and I like what he says and how he says it. If you want a link, drop me a line or a comment and I'll get back to you.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Increase your Anxiety and Panic knowledge
because knowledge is power.
And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.
That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.
Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.
If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.
Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!
Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment
Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia
Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!
Best to you.
PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.
And just let me say, I make 4% on these amazon links if you buy something from my link. So if you think I"m pimping these books to get rich.. one of the best books on Anxiety is written by Claire Weekes. I think you can get a copy for about 4 bucks! An entire .16 cents for me. So no, I"m not randomly recommending books in an attempt to get rich.
That being said, I highly recommend the book, and listed are a few others that I own, and read regularly, and have kept me at least in a state where I could battle this disease for over 10 years without getting professional assistance.
Do I think I should have gotten help sooner. HELL YES. And I think you should too. But I know where you're at, and these are some great sources of information! And honestly... its information thats CHEAP compared to professional help.. and its PRICELESS compared to living in this hell.
If you knew something would help, would you not spend EVERYTHING to get over this? I know I would.. and I finally did. And I feel the hope.
Try these books. Go to Amazon and just look through the previews. YOu can learn a lot of what a book is about by the contents. Do yourself a favor. Get help, even on your own!
Agoraphobia: Simple, Effective Treatment
Simple, Effective Treatment of Agoraphobia
Look at all that help that can be had for less than LUNCH for two almost anywhere. Hey, I know what you're thinking.. when am I going to be having lunch for two.. I haven't been out to eat in YEARS. Well, you can! You need to understand that you can recover. Pick up some help you can afford!
Best to you.
PS. I am looking for blog topics. Would anyone like me to talk about something I'm going through, or something you might be going through? Or ask me a question? I'm no expert, yet I have been dealing with this disorder for over 10 years. Please drop me a line, or leave a comment below.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Day 3 of Meds (Lexapro and Xanax), Going pretty well
I know some of the big things that I worried about were side effects.
I'm really not feeling too many side effects, as listed in the drug pamphlets I was given, maybe a slight headache that has been associated with Lexapro, but its so small its hardly worth mentioning.
Also, I don't really feel out of it due to the Xanax.
As a whole, I do feel affected, kind of more relaxed, no real spikes or Panic attacks to speak of.. BUT I also am not pushing my boundaries nor working on my cognitive therapy tasks either. I'm sure we're going to get this medicine working against my tendency to have anxiety soon enough.
As far as depression, I really don't feel half bad in that regard... and I think it has to do with hope. I actually have some hope that this is going to get better. The ole placebo effect, because the Lexapro, as an SSRI, needs to build in your system for awhile before you begin to feel a difference.
But anyways, a report from day 3.. I am getting good rest, and spikes are down and almost non existent (again, not pushing any limits either) I even remained calm for the CENSUS lady.. and that is very irritating to me. Having our government need my name, birthday, address and everything else is way too invasive. Look, constitution says you get to COUNT. Here's the count here. ONE! BYE. But I digress.
Very hopeful that after I get these meds into my system, get my chemical balances a little more stable, that I can begin to get out and rebuild my life.
I am a complete advocate for getting off your ass and getting help! And I refused for 13 or more years, so believe me when I say, I was wrong. Don't let yourself get this far. There is no reason to live with these terrible feelings. Just asking and getting started is an enormous load off your shoulders and alone will make you feel lighter and hopeful.
Ciao for now.
I'm really not feeling too many side effects, as listed in the drug pamphlets I was given, maybe a slight headache that has been associated with Lexapro, but its so small its hardly worth mentioning.
Also, I don't really feel out of it due to the Xanax.
As a whole, I do feel affected, kind of more relaxed, no real spikes or Panic attacks to speak of.. BUT I also am not pushing my boundaries nor working on my cognitive therapy tasks either. I'm sure we're going to get this medicine working against my tendency to have anxiety soon enough.
As far as depression, I really don't feel half bad in that regard... and I think it has to do with hope. I actually have some hope that this is going to get better. The ole placebo effect, because the Lexapro, as an SSRI, needs to build in your system for awhile before you begin to feel a difference.
But anyways, a report from day 3.. I am getting good rest, and spikes are down and almost non existent (again, not pushing any limits either) I even remained calm for the CENSUS lady.. and that is very irritating to me. Having our government need my name, birthday, address and everything else is way too invasive. Look, constitution says you get to COUNT. Here's the count here. ONE! BYE. But I digress.
Very hopeful that after I get these meds into my system, get my chemical balances a little more stable, that I can begin to get out and rebuild my life.
I am a complete advocate for getting off your ass and getting help! And I refused for 13 or more years, so believe me when I say, I was wrong. Don't let yourself get this far. There is no reason to live with these terrible feelings. Just asking and getting started is an enormous load off your shoulders and alone will make you feel lighter and hopeful.
Ciao for now.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Anxiety Medication, Lexapro and Xanax
That's where I'm at. Woohoo. At yesterdays counseling session my therapist decided to check with a "crisis nurse" about speeding my my possibility of seeing a medical practicioner in order that I could get on medications.
This by itself just lets me know how serious my condition is, and is really quite a shock compared to how I've been rationalizing it to myself all these years.
Well, I got an appointment TODAY! Can you believe the luck. I was evaluated by a nurse who is able to prescribe, and as of now I am beginning Lexapro, which is in the class SSRI medications for Anxiety and depression, and have been placed on Xanax 3 times a day to get this darn stuff under control NOW so that these meds and counseling can begin to take effect.
It is a strange feeling of relief, and despair both, to hear from professionals that I am in fact very normal and intelligent, but that I have a disorder that I cannot nor would I ever have been able to fight on my own. I would normally take that personally, but honestly, I think I already knew that.
I know that the drugs used in these therapies are both praised and scorned. And I spent 10 years telling myself I didn't want to be "on drugs". And I welcome any comments from your experiences with these drugs, Lexapro and Xanax, but for me personally I have reached a point in my fight that ANYTHING is better than what I have dealt with for all these years. I am both relieved, and afraid of what is to come, but I am committed to change. PERIOD.
I find myself excited that it might be possible that I can feel a different way EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also strangely feel sad that I will be letting go of how I've felt for over 10 years. I know it's wrong to live such a difficult day to day existence, but it's what I know and what I've learned to handle, though the result is extremely limiting.
And I also wonder what I may be able to accomplish, even starting at 45 years of age. I'm not going to worry about the past 13 years and what might have been. I can accept that they are gone, and everything was not bad about them. But I had no chance of excelling or finding my potential and I find the thought exciting.
So, Lexapro #1 is down the hatch, and Xanax regularly, at least for now, down the hatch. This will be the first time I took Xanax twice in one day.
I feel really calm now. A lot of it is from the caring help and definitions and diagnosis I receive from my therapy team. Also, of course, I"m in my safe zone, with my safe people around, and I'm usually calm here anyways. But I like to think there's a little extra going on. And since it's too early to be feeling these meds, maybe its HOPE!
I know I want to cry.. and I'm not too sad.. so I think I am happy to feel hope.
If you're interested, I hope to keep up this effort, good or bad, so you can come along with me.
Today.. Happy.. A lil. Hopeful.. a lil.. Optimistic.. yes. No side effects .. yet! haha. YEAH
This by itself just lets me know how serious my condition is, and is really quite a shock compared to how I've been rationalizing it to myself all these years.
Well, I got an appointment TODAY! Can you believe the luck. I was evaluated by a nurse who is able to prescribe, and as of now I am beginning Lexapro, which is in the class SSRI medications for Anxiety and depression, and have been placed on Xanax 3 times a day to get this darn stuff under control NOW so that these meds and counseling can begin to take effect.
It is a strange feeling of relief, and despair both, to hear from professionals that I am in fact very normal and intelligent, but that I have a disorder that I cannot nor would I ever have been able to fight on my own. I would normally take that personally, but honestly, I think I already knew that.
I know that the drugs used in these therapies are both praised and scorned. And I spent 10 years telling myself I didn't want to be "on drugs". And I welcome any comments from your experiences with these drugs, Lexapro and Xanax, but for me personally I have reached a point in my fight that ANYTHING is better than what I have dealt with for all these years. I am both relieved, and afraid of what is to come, but I am committed to change. PERIOD.
I find myself excited that it might be possible that I can feel a different way EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also strangely feel sad that I will be letting go of how I've felt for over 10 years. I know it's wrong to live such a difficult day to day existence, but it's what I know and what I've learned to handle, though the result is extremely limiting.
And I also wonder what I may be able to accomplish, even starting at 45 years of age. I'm not going to worry about the past 13 years and what might have been. I can accept that they are gone, and everything was not bad about them. But I had no chance of excelling or finding my potential and I find the thought exciting.
So, Lexapro #1 is down the hatch, and Xanax regularly, at least for now, down the hatch. This will be the first time I took Xanax twice in one day.
I feel really calm now. A lot of it is from the caring help and definitions and diagnosis I receive from my therapy team. Also, of course, I"m in my safe zone, with my safe people around, and I'm usually calm here anyways. But I like to think there's a little extra going on. And since it's too early to be feeling these meds, maybe its HOPE!
I know I want to cry.. and I'm not too sad.. so I think I am happy to feel hope.
If you're interested, I hope to keep up this effort, good or bad, so you can come along with me.
Today.. Happy.. A lil. Hopeful.. a lil.. Optimistic.. yes. No side effects .. yet! haha. YEAH
Friday, April 16, 2010
Online help for Anxiety and Panic Disorder - FREE FRIDAYS
This will be my very first FREE FRIDAY!!!
I know a lot of my blog is about my finally asking for help and entering counseling and medical intervention. Also remember that I have dealt with this disorder for approximately 15 years and have for a majority of the time been "high functioning". That is my term, and by high functioning I mean that I do get out of my house, I do work occasionally, and I have pursued a small amount of happiness on occasion. I was even in a 10 year relationship with a VERY understanding woman. But I do have the symptoms of anxiety and panic at all times, which is frustrating and depressing and makes everything so difficult, not to mention exhausting.
So even though I've finally decided to take a home run swing at this crap, my circumstances may have been, and may still be, very similar to yours. I didn't have, and still do not have medical insurance. I also had, and still have, some reservations about taking the medications associated with these disorders. So I got by on INFORMATION. I read everything I could get my hands on, I watched every informational video I could find online, and I even purchased a few "programs" available online. Ultimately I believe this is a thinking disorder, or more correctly an improper thinking disorder, so anything you can do about your state of mind, and your depth of knowledge will most certainly help you in your condition.
So today I am going to mention something called "The Anxiety Bible".
It is available online at a free site and I'm sure you can find it. I am not sure about linking/back linking and other web tactics at this time and I prefer to play it safe. If you can't find it drop me an email and I'll give you the URL.
The first step of the "Bible". COUNSELING
I have just started this path myself. It can be very expensive but it won't last forever. Also there are programs to assist people with low incomes and no insurance. Also, who knows whats in store with the US's new health insurance laws. I will say that I felt the stigma of visiting a "Mental Health Center" but it has quickly passed. Though I'm in the very beginning, the weight off my shoulders opening up to an experience and respected counselor is noticeable and I am optimistic.
Step Two. EXERCISE
Talk about a whole other blog! Haha. I am lucky in that I am not out of shape, and by that I mean bodily shape! I am height and weight proportional. But physically I have a low amount of strength, energy, and stamina. You don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I've thought about and tried to start an exercise regimen. With anxiety disorder it is even harder because breathing hard and struggling is a precursor some a lot of sufferers panic attacks. The reasons for this are too many to post in a single post, maybe even an entire blog, but besides the obvious long term health benefits you will be BURNING OFF excess energy, the fuel of anxiety.
Step Three. DIET
Talk about an entirely blog worth subject. Again I will sidestep the obvious benefits because I'm sure you know but there are a few key diet tips for anxiety sufferers. First and most important... NO CAFFEINE EVER. I have practiced this tip for about 16 months and without doubt lowered my anxiety levels and increased my health. If I forget how much difference it makes (I was addicted to Pepsi Cola) I soon remember when I accidentally ingest something high in caffeine. ZOOOOM, right into an anxious buzz. Also obviously try to reduced processed foods and foods with the increasingly evil HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. Again, I'm not a dietician but I'm sure it can only help.
Step Four, final step for today. MEDICATION
Like I said above, I had and still have reservations about the medications prescribed for these disorders. But along with reaching step one, I've reached this step. I know that I said I believe my anxiety is a thinking disorder, I also know the power of my mind. Right or wrong, it creates what I tell it to create. (Can you imagine developing better control and creating only spectacular things?) Well, I consider my thought patterns like a groove in a record and I've dug a very deep groove. I plan to use the medication as a tool to help me step out of this groove and see the alternatives I've been missing. And if you're wondering how this might affect you... then follow me, or join my blog, or whatever they call it. I intend to document my entire journey out of this damn rut!
The difference between a rut and a grave is only a few feet. (attributed to a lot of people so forgive my lack of credit)
Lets get out of this damn rut.
Who wants to do some P90X? I bought this program in December. I've attempted 2 or 3 workouts. This needs to change. Email or comment and kick me in the butt!
I know a lot of my blog is about my finally asking for help and entering counseling and medical intervention. Also remember that I have dealt with this disorder for approximately 15 years and have for a majority of the time been "high functioning". That is my term, and by high functioning I mean that I do get out of my house, I do work occasionally, and I have pursued a small amount of happiness on occasion. I was even in a 10 year relationship with a VERY understanding woman. But I do have the symptoms of anxiety and panic at all times, which is frustrating and depressing and makes everything so difficult, not to mention exhausting.
So even though I've finally decided to take a home run swing at this crap, my circumstances may have been, and may still be, very similar to yours. I didn't have, and still do not have medical insurance. I also had, and still have, some reservations about taking the medications associated with these disorders. So I got by on INFORMATION. I read everything I could get my hands on, I watched every informational video I could find online, and I even purchased a few "programs" available online. Ultimately I believe this is a thinking disorder, or more correctly an improper thinking disorder, so anything you can do about your state of mind, and your depth of knowledge will most certainly help you in your condition.
So today I am going to mention something called "The Anxiety Bible".
It is available online at a free site and I'm sure you can find it. I am not sure about linking/back linking and other web tactics at this time and I prefer to play it safe. If you can't find it drop me an email and I'll give you the URL.
The first step of the "Bible". COUNSELING
I have just started this path myself. It can be very expensive but it won't last forever. Also there are programs to assist people with low incomes and no insurance. Also, who knows whats in store with the US's new health insurance laws. I will say that I felt the stigma of visiting a "Mental Health Center" but it has quickly passed. Though I'm in the very beginning, the weight off my shoulders opening up to an experience and respected counselor is noticeable and I am optimistic.
Step Two. EXERCISE
Talk about a whole other blog! Haha. I am lucky in that I am not out of shape, and by that I mean bodily shape! I am height and weight proportional. But physically I have a low amount of strength, energy, and stamina. You don't know (or maybe you do) how many times I've thought about and tried to start an exercise regimen. With anxiety disorder it is even harder because breathing hard and struggling is a precursor some a lot of sufferers panic attacks. The reasons for this are too many to post in a single post, maybe even an entire blog, but besides the obvious long term health benefits you will be BURNING OFF excess energy, the fuel of anxiety.
Step Three. DIET
Talk about an entirely blog worth subject. Again I will sidestep the obvious benefits because I'm sure you know but there are a few key diet tips for anxiety sufferers. First and most important... NO CAFFEINE EVER. I have practiced this tip for about 16 months and without doubt lowered my anxiety levels and increased my health. If I forget how much difference it makes (I was addicted to Pepsi Cola) I soon remember when I accidentally ingest something high in caffeine. ZOOOOM, right into an anxious buzz. Also obviously try to reduced processed foods and foods with the increasingly evil HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. Again, I'm not a dietician but I'm sure it can only help.
Step Four, final step for today. MEDICATION
Like I said above, I had and still have reservations about the medications prescribed for these disorders. But along with reaching step one, I've reached this step. I know that I said I believe my anxiety is a thinking disorder, I also know the power of my mind. Right or wrong, it creates what I tell it to create. (Can you imagine developing better control and creating only spectacular things?) Well, I consider my thought patterns like a groove in a record and I've dug a very deep groove. I plan to use the medication as a tool to help me step out of this groove and see the alternatives I've been missing. And if you're wondering how this might affect you... then follow me, or join my blog, or whatever they call it. I intend to document my entire journey out of this damn rut!
The difference between a rut and a grave is only a few feet. (attributed to a lot of people so forgive my lack of credit)
Lets get out of this damn rut.
Who wants to do some P90X? I bought this program in December. I've attempted 2 or 3 workouts. This needs to change. Email or comment and kick me in the butt!
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Anxiety or Panic Attacks
I had my first therapy session this past week. I'm optimistic about beating this disease and felt pretty good just unloading on someone for an hour.
One thing we talked about was Panic Attacks and Anxiety. It ends up that now I think I am having Panic Attacks when originally I thought I was having high anxiety. I'm not saying theres much difference, but I think I was assuming my normal state was...well, normal, and I was having anxiety when I got amped up.
I think now that I'm normally in a high anxiety state, and I'm having panic attacks when I'm 'amped up'.
I felt really good after therapy. My mind was relaxed and distracted, and feeling positively and optimistic. It only lasted an hour or two but was very enlightening.
I have another talk session next week, and I am expecting a call back from a medical facility regarding an evaluation session for possibly being prescribed some medications to help get this show on the road!
Well, I have some other thoughts from just the first hour of therapy and I have an interesting question I'll post about tomorrow, or early this week.
One thing we talked about was Panic Attacks and Anxiety. It ends up that now I think I am having Panic Attacks when originally I thought I was having high anxiety. I'm not saying theres much difference, but I think I was assuming my normal state was...well, normal, and I was having anxiety when I got amped up.
I think now that I'm normally in a high anxiety state, and I'm having panic attacks when I'm 'amped up'.
I felt really good after therapy. My mind was relaxed and distracted, and feeling positively and optimistic. It only lasted an hour or two but was very enlightening.
I have another talk session next week, and I am expecting a call back from a medical facility regarding an evaluation session for possibly being prescribed some medications to help get this show on the road!
Well, I have some other thoughts from just the first hour of therapy and I have an interesting question I'll post about tomorrow, or early this week.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Finally, Appointment made..
Tomorrow at 12:30 I speak with someone at my county mental health organization. I was told over the phone that the waiting list to see a doctor for meds is over 6 months long. I find this very disappointing, though I will try to remain optimistic and positive. I realize this is a major contributor to my condition, having to have things go the way I've thought them through.
What does bother me though is that I feel like I've been working on myself HARD over the past 10 years. I read every book that I can get my hands on, trying to read the very latest published information. I've tried immersing myself into situations that cause me anxiety hoping I could desensitize myself. I've just had no luck.
I do hope that I can learn something from this though and start crawling my way out. As much as I've finally resigned to trying a medical regimen, mixed with cognitive therapy of course, I've long had a resistance to taking meds of this nature to control my anxiety. A couple reasons quickly, and not thoroughly, is that firstly I don't believe the true cure is in covering your symptoms but in learning the cause and eliminating them. Secondly, I've had this situation for almost 15 years. I know when/why/how etc I get these feelings, and there is no rhyme or reason relative to physical bodily symptoms, but more to exterior situations. I simply DECIDE what things are going to cause me anxiety. Of course those things happen, and of course I have anxiety. The trouble is I cannot STOP.
Anyways, 12:30. More to follow...
What does bother me though is that I feel like I've been working on myself HARD over the past 10 years. I read every book that I can get my hands on, trying to read the very latest published information. I've tried immersing myself into situations that cause me anxiety hoping I could desensitize myself. I've just had no luck.
I do hope that I can learn something from this though and start crawling my way out. As much as I've finally resigned to trying a medical regimen, mixed with cognitive therapy of course, I've long had a resistance to taking meds of this nature to control my anxiety. A couple reasons quickly, and not thoroughly, is that firstly I don't believe the true cure is in covering your symptoms but in learning the cause and eliminating them. Secondly, I've had this situation for almost 15 years. I know when/why/how etc I get these feelings, and there is no rhyme or reason relative to physical bodily symptoms, but more to exterior situations. I simply DECIDE what things are going to cause me anxiety. Of course those things happen, and of course I have anxiety. The trouble is I cannot STOP.
Anyways, 12:30. More to follow...
Monday, April 5, 2010
Anxiety and Easter weekend
Well, as you know I still haven't called to make my "appointment", though today may be the day.
It was Easter this past weekend. I went to my sisters house, her 7 kids were all home, and my mom was over, and although I still find myself in about an AMPED-8 on the 1-10 scale, my brother asked me to go with him which made it do-able. Far from acceptable as I used to be able to spend hours on end with my neices, but a small victory.
I didnt see my own son or my grandson, and to be honest they didn't ask. Much like most of my life I'm sure he's tired of excuses.
Also saw a show on TV this morning about a guy with Bi-polar and an addiction problem he gained by self medication which eventually cost him a major sports career. He is clean now for 3 years, and one of his points was that he learned his brain was 'wired wrong' and that now with his brain working properly he is able to mount a comeback, in a different sport since he was banned for life in the major league, but he is succesful in his field. I would like success too, in any field.
So today, I hope to make that call....
It was Easter this past weekend. I went to my sisters house, her 7 kids were all home, and my mom was over, and although I still find myself in about an AMPED-8 on the 1-10 scale, my brother asked me to go with him which made it do-able. Far from acceptable as I used to be able to spend hours on end with my neices, but a small victory.
I didnt see my own son or my grandson, and to be honest they didn't ask. Much like most of my life I'm sure he's tired of excuses.
Also saw a show on TV this morning about a guy with Bi-polar and an addiction problem he gained by self medication which eventually cost him a major sports career. He is clean now for 3 years, and one of his points was that he learned his brain was 'wired wrong' and that now with his brain working properly he is able to mount a comeback, in a different sport since he was banned for life in the major league, but he is succesful in his field. I would like success too, in any field.
So today, I hope to make that call....
Friday, April 2, 2010
The difference between cured and tricked.
In reading and watching youtube presentations about Anxiety, Panic, and Depression (because lets face it, I chickened out on making my appointment YET again) I came across another young guy touting his success as beating these "tigers" and giving some good advice, while holding back enough to have a "program" for sale.
One of his freebies was NO CAFFEINE.. and I've been a believer and practicer of this for about a year.
Another was the very simple idea of "Be OK with whatever happens". I have had this idea FOREVER. Mostly out of frustration, you naturally get to your "F-IT" threshold. And I'll tell you, it works... somewhat, and temporarily.
So I had occasion to get excited yesterday and I start thinking... I don't care, whatever, screw it.. etc. And it works. It staves off a panic attack or any higher anxiety pretty decently. But I got to thinking some more, and decided that I'm FAKING. I'm forcing myself into a 'I don't care' attitude because I'm still resisting panic and anxiety, yet though I fake, it is working quite decently.
So if not caring WORKS.. real or implied.. How can you get to where you REALLY don't care? You know, like we all used to be, before the "Tiger" caught us. Because really, I was just forcing this idea because I am still afraid of panic and anxiety. I can see the other side from here. How do you get to a TRUE no fear, no worries type situation? For now I guess I will keep with "Fake it to Make it" and see if I can start a new habit.
What do you think?
One of his freebies was NO CAFFEINE.. and I've been a believer and practicer of this for about a year.
Another was the very simple idea of "Be OK with whatever happens". I have had this idea FOREVER. Mostly out of frustration, you naturally get to your "F-IT" threshold. And I'll tell you, it works... somewhat, and temporarily.
So I had occasion to get excited yesterday and I start thinking... I don't care, whatever, screw it.. etc. And it works. It staves off a panic attack or any higher anxiety pretty decently. But I got to thinking some more, and decided that I'm FAKING. I'm forcing myself into a 'I don't care' attitude because I'm still resisting panic and anxiety, yet though I fake, it is working quite decently.
So if not caring WORKS.. real or implied.. How can you get to where you REALLY don't care? You know, like we all used to be, before the "Tiger" caught us. Because really, I was just forcing this idea because I am still afraid of panic and anxiety. I can see the other side from here. How do you get to a TRUE no fear, no worries type situation? For now I guess I will keep with "Fake it to Make it" and see if I can start a new habit.
What do you think?
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
So what am I doing today?
Nothing really.
I need to be calling the local county services and make an appointment for an evaluation. I don't have insurance and this seems to be the best way to go.
So why haven't I? Anxiety basically. I'm not scared, but I am scared. You know how anxiety will do you.
I want help, I've decided to get the help, and I even have someone who will take me to an appointment. I will do it, I know I can. But this is just anxiety and what it will do to you. It keeps you from doing the things you want to do, and you know you should do. It's not simple procrastination or laziness. I want more than anything to get over this.
This is when you know you need to get help.
I will call. I will call.
Maybe tomorrow... sigh.
I need to be calling the local county services and make an appointment for an evaluation. I don't have insurance and this seems to be the best way to go.
So why haven't I? Anxiety basically. I'm not scared, but I am scared. You know how anxiety will do you.
I want help, I've decided to get the help, and I even have someone who will take me to an appointment. I will do it, I know I can. But this is just anxiety and what it will do to you. It keeps you from doing the things you want to do, and you know you should do. It's not simple procrastination or laziness. I want more than anything to get over this.
This is when you know you need to get help.
I will call. I will call.
Maybe tomorrow... sigh.
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