You know whats weird?

Awareness.

I went to a poker game last night.. and that's quite a bit for me really.  I don't know if you've ever sat at a poker table in a poker room surrounding.  Its kind of crowded, little stuffy, loud, tons of action and lots of things to focus on.  But I still like playing poker, and I went with one of my "safe" friends (you anxiety folks know what I mean) so I thought I'd give it a try. 

I've been surprising myself a little lately, even after the horrible week I had the previous week, I'd call this week a definite plus.. maybe a 7 out of 10.  Ten not being normal by any means.. 10 being what I'd call a good week of working on myself.  (Ok, maybe an 8 to 8.5.  I did work several days, and actually went and had dinner with an internet friend of mine.  That alone is worth a point and a half)

But back to awareness.  Sometimes when I'm really into something, like poker, or internet friends, I can completely forget all that back ground buzz of anxiety and panic in my head.   Also, I felt like I wanted to be fully alert so I didnt fall back on the Xanax for an added cushion.. though  did up-dose for the internet "meeting".
Well, I didnt do all that well at poker.  I was all over the board with my thoughts and obsessions.  I didn't concentrate on the flow of the game.. I couldnt keep my eyes looking down, I certainly couldnt keep my mouth shut (nervous chatter has always been one of my anxiety barometers),  and really stayed in a very keyed up state of being, both physically and mentally. Barometrically speaking I don't know if I am HIGH pressure during that time, because thats usually clear skies, or LOW pressure because thats stormy and out of control.. but I was on an edge one way or the other.

What was weird though was that I could see it going on, like I was witnessing myself.  Weirder that I couldn't stop it.. like a huge ball rolling down hill, even though I clearly and obviously saw the entire process controlling me.  In a way, the fact that I was observing was keeping me from blowing a fuse, though I clearly was not comfortable, in a way I was participating in my event, instead of just riding through it.

That just has me weirded out.. not so much in a bad way.   Is this a start of how you get better?   In a way I wasn't scared, though I certainly was miles from comfortable.  I'm trying not to beat myself up over the "loss" of not being able to concentrate (I  made a few bad plays, and in poker thats all it takes), the loss of not being able to control something I saw happening, and just be happy that I did it, I did it short of meds, and I guess happy for the strange observers point from where I watched the entire evening.

Well, thats whats weird to me... today.

BTW.. I don't know if it was a cumulative stress release, or the lack of the Xanax dose in the evening, but I could not sleep for 80% of the night due to over active mind and happy legs, my legs felt like they had TnT in them and I couldnt hold still to save my ass.  Again, is that good or bad?   I built all that up, yet functioned, even if poorly... and then released it through nervous thought and energy right away...  as I feel pretty base line this morning.  Weird I tell ya... interesting weird.

Birthday Blog Post.

Happy Birthday to me.... etc.

But see, thats how my thought for the day came about. It's my birthday. And I really don't want to work today. And I'm worried about my reasons for not wanting to work today, are they really that its my birthday, or am I avoiding because of anxiety?

I've had some really good days. I worked on a job, client hanging around most of the days, for the past couple days. I also... hold on to your shorts... met one of my online friends for dinner last night! Sure, I 1.5 dosed my Xanax.. but hey, I did it, and it was fun!

And regarding this dinner, I made some comments on Facebook about it, and sparing you the details, my brother made a comment to me about them and what he thought of them, and eventually it made me feel the same way so I took them down.

Well, later I talked to my sister about it and she said,

Yea, I saw what you wrote... it was just you being you.  I knew what you meant and suggest that you quit worrying about you just being yourself. Thats a form of anxiety. You are fine who you are, you are fine when you're "juiced up" (our anxiety and panicky term) and you're fine when you're not!

 And I'm like.. DAMN. (not only is she awesome, but she's exactly right)

On my "date" I made all of my typical "disclaimers". Oh, I talk a lot, Oh, I don't eat much, oh it's been awhile since I've been on a date, Oh this, and oh that. Luckily I had been open and upfront about my insecurities and she dealt with them. I mean, will I see her again, that's yet to be seen? But I think she got a little bit of the me part thats ok just how I am, so I hope I do.

But I really just need to quit worrying about so much shit. I don't want to work today. I am tired. I worked all weekend and all week up til today, AND it's my birthday. I'm not going to work. And whatever I say on Facebook, well if someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.
My sister also added,

... if you just be yourself at all times, then people that don't get you, will probably never get you, and then you'll just know.

Awesome.

And I'm going to try and go even further in other parts of my life because I can see how that's anxiety, and that "anxious" personality can make one susceptible to the disorder.

So YEAH on all the work I got done, YEAH on the dinner and ice cream "meeting", and YEAH on the day off for the birthday. And thats all I'm gonna worry about.... except these dust bunnies and dirty floors.. crap I need a broom and mop....

(and if you wonder how I can play hookie from work so easily, you should check out my other blog about living frugally, without debt, and working part time and being semi retired.. because honestly my panic disorder and Anxiety are more than just a little responsible for that being my way of life, and really, for that I'm thankful. Check out Work Less, Live More, Semi Retirement)

Better times.. rebounding from Anxiety recovery setbacks

Well, I'm happy to report that I seem to have recovered to at least what I'd call a base line.. or simply that although I'm certainly far from recovery, I'm back in control, feeling decent, and eager to get back to work on recovery.

The shift that I'm happy to have made over the past week is that I'm doing more things that cause me anxiety and panic type reactions. Now, does this mean that I'm cured.. HALLELUJAH.. nah, not even close. Actually I am mostly dealing with anxiety thoughts, hurrying through things, not concentrating on the moment as much as concentrating getting finished, but the difference is that I'm taking the action and all healing has to start there.

An example is in the simple (to most people) trip to the car wash. I got my butt, and my dirty ride, down there finally and got to scrubbing. But half way through I realized I was drenched with sweat and my throat was parched. I had to slow down a second and evaluate what was going on. What I discovered was that I was going through this task like it was an Olympic sport... fast and furious. Then of course the realization of breathing hard, sweating, parched throat just added to the anxiety but I kept on going.
Now, it's easy to think of this as a failure because the entire nature of the beast is not feeling like this. These are the feelings that the whole disease is centered around and what your avoidance is created to avoid.
But that's not the deal. Life isn't always going to be easy.. and surely I don't mean that getting excited at the carwash is normal, but my point is that sometimes you just have to do it anyways. Which is often what an anxious person will not do. Which has been me.. for a LONG time.

So I'm trying to look at it as a progress. I did what I wouldnt normally do. So thats a WIN.

I had a few wins this week, and each one was WORK, let me tell you. But the work was done, and hopefully those muscles get back in shape, and I can learn to get back in the moment, and out of the 'what ifs'.

The thing I think I need to work on in my mind is that it took 10 years to get here, getting home isn't going to be a quick trip. (though hopefully less than 10 yrs. But if it does.. if I can embrace the trip then so be it)

I guess I can accept that... eventually. :)

Anxiety and Panic Attacks. Setbacks

So, I really had a few crappy weeks. Anxiety pushing through my meds, even some near panic situations.. arguably a few notches less than before, but uncomfortable and disablingly frustrating for sure.

Had some counseling yesterday and was givin this poem by Portia Nelson.

I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost...I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V
I walk down another street.

END

I like it. I like how fault changes. I like how time in the hole changes. I like the awareness that comes alive.

I think I'm somewhere in stanza II. I pretend I don't see the hole, I fall in, and it still takes time to get out. It pisses me off, but I need to chill because its not my fault. I also see stanza III coming. I want to accept fault, I want to fight the habit, and I want to learn to get out immediately.

I can't wait to walk down another street....

Doing the work, Attacking and beating anxiety and panic attack disorder

It's as simple as that. You need to do the work.

I remember my first appointment. If you have this disease, and/or a little agoraphobia, you can imagine how hard it was to go through it. Of course I had to have someone take me, and even that only made it possible, not any more comfortable.

But I had a short ecstatic feeling afterwards. An "I did it" moment. And it actually feels good to get these problems out in the open to people who want to help you. But I'll be honest... the moment was brief... the first time. But each time it gets easier and easier, and the success feelings last longer and longer. I actually went to my last appointment ALONE.. and afterwards stopped by the drugstore for some supplies.. And I felt pretty good about it.

But other than that, I'm not doing the work. And the reverse is happening to me. I"m actually frustrated, anxious, and depressed because I'm not doing the work. And its just that first bump in the road.... like the first Dr. appt that I felt I could hardly get through. But just like finally going on my own, this is exactly what work I need to get done. Get through these things that cause fear. One 'appointment' at a time until each place is comfortable.

If you're agoraphobic then hopefully you have safe people like me that are willing to help. If not, then just do a little bit. Don't set yourself up to fail.. but just go out and feel some pressure. Like a work out. Feel the burn. Examine it, feel it, but don't push it. And that's your work for the day. And do it again tomorrow!

Do the work... even if you have to put everything else out of your mind. I'm having trouble with that one too. I have so much to do, need to make money, need have things done to my car, etc etc etc.. But I need to get better or none of those things will matter.

That seems kind of like a dire thing to say, but I'm starting to think that's the way you need to look at it. I hung on to the last rung of the ladder, just above dire, for so many years.. and it kept me from getting help. Not until I felt like I had no other choice did I do what I had to do. Make it dire that you do a little work today.. and every day. Its not easy, but the funny thing is, it does get easier. And if you've been stuck for a long time like me.. it gets easier in SMALL increments. But don't let it get you down. After awhile it actually gets hard to NOT do something every day.

This is where I feel myself.. the frustration has changed to where if I don't do some work, I'll be down on myself..so today I'm going to do a little work.

What I think about the "hanging on of my mind" to anxiety and panic attacks

Yesterday I wrote of the feelings I'm having as anxiety medications work their magic on me, yet my mind and habits still put up the good fight to remain in their old ways. In fact, I find that as I get a little used to the meds, the brain is adapting and can in fact cause a little anxiety.. luckily not so much as to create a panic attack.. thank you Xanax.. but definitely anxious thoughts and hesitation to do things that cause me these feelings, now and in the past.

One thing I was offered in medical therapy was to increase my dose of anti anxiety medications. And the old me.. the not necessarily good me that resisted assistance for over 10 years, kind of rejected the idea because I am in fact improving.. though it was notated in my records that I should take one additional dose per day if I feel the need. The realistic me that has been seeing the early effects, though, later wondered if maybe I need to be more open to suggestions like this. I did relate my experiences to my nurse honestly, and this was her evaluation, maybe a little bit more meds. I need to remember that I cannot and did not help or cure myself on my own, and maybe I should take suggestions more readily. You know, if I get a little too much, I can always back up, but sometimes when you're searching for the right dose, maybe you will go a little too far. How can you know your limits unless you look over the edge... so to speak.

But for now I remain on the same dose. 3 times .5 Xanax per day. and 10mg of Lexapro. And it helps me greatly. But I wonder if the resistance even to help I finally accepted is in fact a type of anxiety, because I'm not "Doing the Work"... which I will write about tomorrow.

Thank you for reading, and I hope maybe someone might be getting something from this. I know it has been soul cleansing to get my thoughts out of my head and onto this blog.

Have a great day.

Dave

Hanging on to Anxiety and Panic Attacks

Ok, so I'm a month into anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications.

A little longer on the cognitive therapy.

And I will say that on scales of 1 to 10, the medications are definitely an 8 or 9, while the cognitive therapy part is kind of a 1.. maybe 2 on some days. I guess that is to be expected, and it's too bad the goal is to be medication free.

That makes sense, though I do not have ill effects of the medication that I hear and read some people having, it clearly should be the goal to be healthy and balanced without medications except where unavoidable of course.

And thats what my thoughts are lately. Early on the medications start making the change. I was immediately much more relaxed, sleeping more, and better, and more of what I remember to be 'normal', if there is such a thing.
But my mind still tries to hang on. In other words... it knows what is supposed to make me anxious, and what and when I'm supposed to have panic attacks... and it still begins and tries to instigate the same old things.

I find this extremely interesting. Is there an underlying reason for all this? Is this why I couldn't get over this myself for 12 years, because I didn't want to? Or at least my mind didn't know how to, which is what I hope the case turns out to be.

As I've said in my previous posts.. I am feeling better as a whole. I've started having hopeful feelings, desires, and generally a more positive outlook. And I will say that these feelings cause a whole new set of issues in the fact that now I'm frustrated that I'm not THERE, or why am I HERE? When you're at the PIT of depression from all this unbearable anxiety and panic, not having hope is kind of a relief.

I'm hoping that as I regress from "the pit" that these feelings are just the way out... similar to hiking a trail, and of course on the way back you're going to see the same sights, generally speaking.

But for now, I feel better, but not fixed.. which is a brand new feeling that I'm trying to figure out how to handle, and what it means.

Is anybody out there? :)

Setbacks while recovering from Anxiety and Panic Attacks

And I guess setbacks at any time in life. Do you ever notice that after a really good experience that a setback seems to be more devastating?

I guess that is just the nature of things, maybe even just philosophy.. you know, Yin and Yang. They say you can't experience the highest of highs without knowing the lowest of lows. I get that, I really do. Perspective, appreciation, gratitude. How else could you have these things except by experience. (I know, you blind faithers will say you can just believe, and thats OK if that works for you.. but I like to learn, then believe by experience)

But I digress. I have made some decent strides in my Anxiety and Panic Attack therapy, which does involve medication and cognitive therapy. After one of my best days, I had one of my very worst days since beginning. And I let it get to me.. habits are hard to break. And I did bounce back pretty quickly but that's not my point, though was a nice experience.

My point is this... Understanding, or acceptance if they aren't the same in this instance. Why do I expect only to have good days? Why do I not believe in the yin/yang philosophy? Why do I not just believe in common sense, that being that every day is not going to be great? Instead I expect to not have to deal with anxiety feelings.

Maybe I don't have enough acceptance of things. I am learning to accept how I feel when I'm having anxiety, or even panic. And trust me, it is no easy feat. But knowing that every day doesn't have to be perfect helps me to bounce back quicker. (Ok, and so does the Xanax... lets be honest!haha)

So anyways.. finally a weather break where I live. It is easier to have a positive outlook when its sunny and 80, especially after 2 weeks of overcast and rain. Wouldn't you know that now my plumbing is backing up and needs to be dealt with immediately. Yin and a stanky yang....

So my real point.. I guess stanky yangs are just part of life.... ;)

Anxiety Medications and Anti Depressants

Ok..so I posted my "sorry I was gone post", and I feel pretty decent today... for a guy who can't walk, and I want to get back to business.

I've been on Lexapro for about 3 full weeks now. And during this time I've been taking .5 of Xanax, 3 times a day.

First off.. I do not feel drugged, though I am sleeping a little more than I used to. I make no excuses.. being anxious will flat wear you out.
I don't even feel the slightest bit unclear in my ability to think or operate.

What I have been feeling is an inability to get stressed out, freaked out, or just downright get down on myself. In fact, talking to a friend about "Woe is me".. I finally decide to get medical help for my Anxiety and Panic Disorder, now I get this Skin infection.. wah wah wah.. and what I finally said was "And what sucks is I can't get really depressed because of the damn meds" Hahaha.

Talk about taking one smack between the eyes. And that's how it's been.
Also being an agoraphobic person in varying degrees, I'm finding that it's more difficult to "honor" my minds desire to ramp me up about things. I feel it, I'm aware of it's thinking patterns, and that part of me WANTS to go through the actions it's so accustomed to taking. Problem is, I can't physically produce the symptoms. I did almost take about 10 breaths that were those anxious types. I was home alone, dealing with all this pain of the staph infection, it was late, and I just needed to have a panic attack. I was doing the normal thinking patterns. All the outward necessities were met.. and somehow being the strong person I think I am, I worked up about 10 anxious breaths. You know.. too long.. too close together... too deep.. too forced. And that was it.

I rolled over, watched TV until I fell asleep, and woke up nice and refreshed at 5:30 to find my room mate in bed. I didn't count down the minutes until he returned, I didn't even notice his return.

I'm really pissed at this damn staph infection when I finally decide to deal with my major mental issues. But I'm very happy about how the medication is working, and how I'm aware of my minds efforts to contribute to my old ways. I honestly think I'm going to be able to get this!


So there's my 3 week report. A lot better than I ever thought 3 weeks could be... remember in week 1, I really thought I was wasting my time.

Stick with it. Just Do It!

Btw, found this interesting fellow posting on youtube.com about anxiety, and I like what he says and how he says it. If you want a link, drop me a line or a comment and I'll get back to you.

Carbuncle, Boils, and Staph. OUCH

Sorry for the disappearance, but the title says it all. I acquired a skin infection that got a little out of control and in fact had me quite worried before I finally turned a corner and it seems I'm on the way out.

Let me give you a piece of advice... don't touch them, don't try to pop them, don't squeeze them. PERIOD. After I learned this..... the hard way... I quickly turned the corner.

But boy, let me tell you.. the infection started on my butt cheek, about top of crack high, and about an inch outta the "valley"... and when it got inflamed.."Angry" you might say.. WOW did I have a few dark nights of the soul. I can tell you right now that if I hadn't started these anti anxiety and depression meds that I would have flat out FLIPPED. 5150. Panic Attack supreme. And I still almost did.

If you ever get them, and like me you are averse to DRs... look em up online. I did that, and I also called a local service called "Ask a Nurse".

Don't Touch.
Keep clean, washing many times daily with anti bacterial soap.
Don't Touch.
Keep covered, they are HIGHLY contagious.
Wash hands after dealing with it.
Don't TOUCH, Squeeze, push, pinch, spread, itch. No matter what.
Change clothes in the infected area daily, same with bed clothes.
Wash often in HOT, boiling if possible, water.
Don't share towels, razors, wash clothes, or any other hygiene items with anyone else.

And there are plenty more.

I'm finally feeling better. Besides the quarter sized DENT in my ass.. the last thing I'm dealing with is a TEENY TINY little one I thought I could man-handle and pop on my knee. DON'T do it. I woke up the next day barely able to walk. Thankfully, it too is healing.

I will tell you, I'm a very clean person. But my new room mate is not, and in the state of my depression I had gotten very lax.... ie, not showering every single day.. layin around in the same sweat pants for a few days.. not changing the sheets often enough. Well, lesson learned. We're back to healthy hygiene around here!

Hope to get back on schedule.

And hey, if you have a friend who might like my stories, please send them by. Would like to get a few readers so we can start some discussions, maybe some guest posting, or whatever can come of it. Thanks!

Anxiety Medication, Lexapro and Xanax

That's where I'm at. Woohoo. At yesterdays counseling session my therapist decided to check with a "crisis nurse" about speeding my my possibility of seeing a medical practicioner in order that I could get on medications.
This by itself just lets me know how serious my condition is, and is really quite a shock compared to how I've been rationalizing it to myself all these years.

Well, I got an appointment TODAY! Can you believe the luck. I was evaluated by a nurse who is able to prescribe, and as of now I am beginning Lexapro, which is in the class SSRI medications for Anxiety and depression, and have been placed on Xanax 3 times a day to get this darn stuff under control NOW so that these meds and counseling can begin to take effect.

It is a strange feeling of relief, and despair both, to hear from professionals that I am in fact very normal and intelligent, but that I have a disorder that I cannot nor would I ever have been able to fight on my own. I would normally take that personally, but honestly, I think I already knew that.

I know that the drugs used in these therapies are both praised and scorned. And I spent 10 years telling myself I didn't want to be "on drugs". And I welcome any comments from your experiences with these drugs, Lexapro and Xanax, but for me personally I have reached a point in my fight that ANYTHING is better than what I have dealt with for all these years. I am both relieved, and afraid of what is to come, but I am committed to change. PERIOD.

I find myself excited that it might be possible that I can feel a different way EVERY SINGLE DAY. I also strangely feel sad that I will be letting go of how I've felt for over 10 years. I know it's wrong to live such a difficult day to day existence, but it's what I know and what I've learned to handle, though the result is extremely limiting.

And I also wonder what I may be able to accomplish, even starting at 45 years of age. I'm not going to worry about the past 13 years and what might have been. I can accept that they are gone, and everything was not bad about them. But I had no chance of excelling or finding my potential and I find the thought exciting.

So, Lexapro #1 is down the hatch, and Xanax regularly, at least for now, down the hatch. This will be the first time I took Xanax twice in one day.

I feel really calm now. A lot of it is from the caring help and definitions and diagnosis I receive from my therapy team. Also, of course, I"m in my safe zone, with my safe people around, and I'm usually calm here anyways. But I like to think there's a little extra going on. And since it's too early to be feeling these meds, maybe its HOPE!

I know I want to cry.. and I'm not too sad.. so I think I am happy to feel hope.

If you're interested, I hope to keep up this effort, good or bad, so you can come along with me.

Today.. Happy.. A lil. Hopeful.. a lil.. Optimistic.. yes. No side effects .. yet! haha. YEAH